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Sunday, January 27, 2019

That's not going to help !!


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, tucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Friday, January 25, 2019

January Jokes

January Jokes 








Friday, January 18, 2019

Colours - Men and Women

Colours - Men and Women


Wednesday, January 16, 2019

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

A Buddhist who wanted a Hotdog !!

A Buddhist who wanted a Hotdog !!


Friday, January 4, 2019

A Magic Apple in a bar !!


A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender walks to the back and after a few minutes hands the man an apple.

The man looks at it for a moment confused and takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like coke! But what about the rum?"

"Turn it around" the bartender says, and sure enough it tastes like rum!

"That's amazing!" Says the man, "Can I have a gin and tonic?"

The bartender nods his head and again walks to the back. After a few minutes he hands the man another apple, and just like before one side tastes like gin and the other like tonic water.

"This is crazy!" Says the man, "can you make apples taste like anything?"

The bartender nods his head, "Pretty much."

"Well, can I have an apple that tastes like pussy?"

The bartender walks to the back and in no time hands the man another apple.

The man takes a big bite with excitement, but quickly spits it out all over the bar.

"This tastes like shit!" Yells the man.

The bartender looks at the man for a second and says, "Turn it around."

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

90 Most Powerful Secrets in Life !!

90 Most Powerful Secrets in Life



1. Being great at dealing with people is not an inborn talent. It is made through tons of research and deliberate practice.

2. A big part of emotional intelligence is being able to feel an emotion without having to act on it. Uncontrollable desires make you seem weak, unworthy and pathetic.

3. Don’t ever try to impress people by revealing your secrets or flaunting your achievements, for its effect is often the opposite of what you expected. Stay low-key, stop telling people more than they need to know.

4. Move in silence, never let them know your next move. You are more likely to achieve your goals if you keep them to yourself.

5. Keep your effort and your tricks to yourself and you seem to be an untouchable genius.

6. You must not be afraid of your uniqueness and you must care less and less what people think of you. Confidence is not ‘they will like me’. Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t’.

7. If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value. Let others worry about being socially acceptable; those types are a dime a dozen.

8. Trust yourself more and others less. The only way to survive is to admit you are on your own, learn to make your own decisions, and trust your judgement.

9. Respect people’s feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

10. Set your price high. Even those who turn you down respect you for your confidence, and that respect will eventually pay off in ways you cannot imagine.

11. Don’t underestimate the seductive power of an elaborate vocabulary.

12. Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem.

13. People judge you by appearances, the image you project through your actions, words, and style. Act like a king or queen to be treated like one. If you do not take control of this process, then people will see and define you the way they want to, often to your detriment.

14. You are the king or queen and you ignore what offends you. If you waste time and energy in such entanglements, it is your own fault.

15. If you allow people to feel they possess you to any degree, you lose all power over them. By not committing your affections, they will only try harder to win you over.

16. You need to turn your back on what you want, show your contempt and disdain. The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.

17. A fake friend can do more damage than a hundred honest enemies. They hide certain qualities and opinions in order to keep you in their side. They are also more prone to envy and ingratitude. Watch who you trust, betrayals are born through friendship.

18. Don’t ever say anything you don’t want played back to you someday.

19. Individuals are honest only to the extent that suits them (including their desire to please others).

20. Evaluate the people in your life; then promote, demote, or terminate. You’re the CEO of your own life. The smarter you are, the more selective you become.

21. Do not underestimate the effects of your pessimistic, unambitious, or disorganized friends. If someone isn’t making you stronger, they’re making you weaker. Flee from negative people’s presence or suffer the consequences.

22. Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel, energies are contagious. Surround yourself with those on the same mission as you.

23. Be with really smart people. A group of smart people can often feed off of each other and become more than the sum of their individual parts. If you ever find that you’re the smartest person in the room, you need to find another room.

24. If you have the right of way, take it. Say “no” without explaining yourself. Don’t be afraid to dissapoint. What you allow is what will continue, don’t tolerate bad behaviors.

25. If you need to turn people down, it is best to do so politely and respectfully. Some people’s insecurity and ego fragility cannot tolerate the slightest offense.

26. When people treat you like crap they feel like crap. People aren’t against you; they are for themselves. Don’t take on their internal struggle, send them off with peace.

27. Swallow the impulse to offend, even if the other person seems weak. Never make this mistake of thinking that you elevate yourself by humiliating people.

28. It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself.

29. Don’t argue with negative people, this is part of how they trap you. Silence is the best reply to a fool.

30. Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn’t mean you have to attend the performance.

31. The values of the world we inhabit and the people we surround ourselves with have a profound effect on who we are. What you are today and what you will be in five years depends on two things: the people you meet and the books you read.

32. People may not tell you how they feel about you, but always show you. Train yourself to read people, picking up the signals they unconsciously send about their innermost thoughts and intentions.

33. We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.

34. There is no point in making a display of your controversial beliefs, opinions and dangerous ideas. Think as you like, but behave like others.

35. If you get tired, learn to rest, not quit. It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t quit. Commit yourself to constant improvement.

36. Judge everything by what it costs, not just in money but in time, maintenance, dignity, and peace of mind.

37. Keep your cool and maintain a low profile, patiently building support to your rise to power. Once you learn patience, your options suddenly expand.

38. Never flaunt your wealth, and carefully conceal the degree to which it has bought influence. Consider showing your wealth only on the inside of your house.

39. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

40. Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies.

41. Excessive praise is an almost sure sign that the person praising you envies you. Once envy reveals itself for what it is, the only solution is often to flee the presence of the enviers, leave your enviers to stew in a hell of their own creation.

42. The feelings of achieving success blinds us the most. Give yourself the space to reflect on what has happened.

43. You need to realize that your moment of triumph is also a moment when you have to rely on competence, strategy and focus all the more.

44. Failure will definitely come to you in your journey to power and success. But if you prepare for the fall, it is less likely to ruin you when it happens.

45. Bad luck teaches valuable lessons about patience, timing, and the need to be prepared for the worst. Good luck deludes you into the opposite lesson, making you think your brilliance will carry you through.

46. Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

47. Don’t get mad, get distant. No matter how strong you are, fighting endless battles with people is exhausting, costly, and unimaginative.

48. Sometimes silence is the best way to let someone know they did you wrong.

49. The best apology is changed behavior.

50. The world is full of men who despise you and fear your ambition. These people will laugh or disrespect your dreams. You must always be prepared to place a bet on yourself, on your future, by heading in a direction that others seem to fear.

51. No one owes you a great career, you need to earn it—and the process won’t be easy.

52. Quitting a job doesn’t jump-start a dream because dreams take planning, purpose, and progress to succeed. That stuff has to happen before you quit your day job.

53. Keep your friends for friendship, but work with the skilled and competent. Hiring people who possess skills that you yourself lack is probably one of the wisest decisions you can make.

54. A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect. All working situations require a kind of distance between people.

55. You destroy an enemy when you make a friend of him. Enemies expect nothing so they will be surprised when you are generous.

56. Don’t judge people. Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud. Everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.

57. Take photos or record a video as a return ticket to a moment otherwise gone forever.

58. At least once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before. Travel makes the world look new, and when the world looks new, our brains work harder.

59. Exercise is the single most powerful tool available to optimize brain function. Everybody knows that exercise creates a fit body, but what many forget is that the brain is part of the body too.

60. Typically, people who exercise, start eating better and becoming more productive at work. They smoke less and show more patience with colleagues and family. They use their credit cards less frequently and say they feel less stressed. Exercise is a keystone habit that triggers widespread change.

61. Walking gives you energy, makes you happy and enhances your creative thinking.

62. Treat your mental health with the same importance as your physical health.

63. Concentrate on single goal, a single task, and beat it into submission. Power itself always exists in concentrated forms.

64. Give a gift of some sort to those above you. By giving your superior a gift, you are saying that the two of you are equal.

65. Choose your life’s mate carefully and marry only for love and self-development. The right partner is someone who sees more potential in you than you see in yourself, someone who helps you become the best version of yourself.

66. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for our convenience, not the caller’s.

67. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

68. If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: it infects people with awkward energy, elicits embarrassment.

69. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.

70. Count your blessings. When you focus on gratitude, positive things flow in more readily, making you even more grateful.

71. The most dangerous risk of all – the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.

72. A strong person doesn’t have an easy past. Many people are destined to be weak because they believe life should always be fun and easy.

73. Incompetence is the result of living in comfort and immediate gratification. Incompetent people never gain a proper sense of self-criticism., have lost contact to reality, and overestimate their abilities.

74. When our emotions are engaged, we often have trouble seeing things as they are. Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective.

75. The more you say, the more common you appear.

76. The more you are seen and heard from, the more your value degrades.

77. Most average self-help books can be summarized into 1 sentence: Good thoughts will bring you good things in life, bad thoughts will bring you bad things.

78. Appear to have no clear strategy. Be like a slippery ball that cannot be held. People feel superior to the person whose actions they can predict.

79. Comfort is the enemy of achievement. You’re only growing when you’re uncomfortable. The more conflicts and difficult situations you put yourself through, the more battle-tested your mind will be.

80. Passion only exists when you are very good at something. Achieving your passion requires work. It’s hard. It’s tasteless. It hurts. It demands entering the pain-zone of effort, risk, and exposure.

81. Failure is the sweat of success. You can’t build your cardiovascular strength without working hard and sweating, and you can’t experience success without failure. We mature with the damage, not with the years.

82. Don’t think of an idea of “perfection”, it will only kill your creative juices. Rather, just take the next small step over and over again. Before you realize it, you have accumulated an empire, better than what you thought might be perfect.

83. Your passion should be an obsession. You should be consumed by solving the problem. Otherwise, you get bored and lose interest. The world is full of fascinating problems waiting to be solved.

84. Attitude and talent will not make you great. Greatness exists due to intelligence, practice, dedication, persistence, hard work, good resources and the ability handle mistakes.

85. Don’t miss out on something that could be great just because it could also be difficult.

86. Spend some time alone. Solitude is perhaps the most mental entropy inducing agent in our lives.

87. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. If that is not enough, step outside, get some fresh air, & remind yourself of who you are & who you want to be.

88. You will never have this day again so make it count. You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.

89. Events in life mean nothing if you do not reflect on them in a deep way, and ideas from books are pointless if they have no application to life as you live it.

90. You may think that what you’d like to recapture from your youth is your looks, your physical fitness, your simple pleasures, but what you really need is the fluidity of mind you once possessed.
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