I’m Australian

Piet the farmer was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pond.

He shouts, “Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap k*k”.

The other guy says, “I’m Australian mate, speak English!”

Piet replies, “Use both hands, you get more that way”.

It could have been worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!”

January Jokes

January Jokes 

A Buddhist who wanted a Hotdog !!

A Buddhist who wanted a Hotdog !!

A Magic Apple in a bar !!

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender walks to the back and after a few minutes hands the man an apple.

The man looks at it for a moment confused and takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like coke! But what about the rum?"

"Turn it around" the bartender says, and sure enough it tastes like rum!

"That's amazing!" Says the man, "Can I have a gin and tonic?"

The bartender nods his head and again walks to the back. After a few minutes he hands the man another apple, and just like before one side tastes like gin and the other like tonic water.

"This is crazy!" Says the man, "can you make apples taste like anything?"

The bartender nods his head, "Pretty much."

"Well, can I have an apple that tastes like pussy?"

The bartender walks to the back and in no time hands the man another apple.

The man takes a big bite with excitement, but quickly spits it out all over the bar.

"This tastes like shit!" Yells the man.

The bartender looks at the man for a second and says, "Turn it around."

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

At the showcase, hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was really quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.

He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But, people either pushed him away or just ignored him.

In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.

Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"

The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."

I had a threesome last night..

Man: Father, I have sinned. I had a threesome last night....

It was with two, beautiful, gorgeous young women who did everything I wanted and kept coming back for more, all night long.

Priest: son, although you did a bad thing outside of marriage, you are forgiven.

Man: I don't want forgiveness...

Priest: then why are you telling me?

Man: I'm telling EVERYONE!

Lucky Postman and an important Management Lesson

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service. The towns people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a good lunch and $5.

The Postman was very happy and asked "But why the $5"?

Lady: "Actually yesterday I asked my husband what to present you"?

He said "Fuck him,  just give him $5"

"But the lunch was my idea."

MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always give clear instructions ...

Lawyers and sandwiches !!

Lawyers and sandwiches !!

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Why am I here? - An alcoholic Joke

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Jesus and Paul - "Paul, come to me"

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul

"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. 

Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

Little Johnny - Definitely

The teacher asks the class if anyone could use "definitely" correctly in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher replies "Well grass can be green, but can also be brown. Anyone else?"

Little Stephanie raises her hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies "Well the sky can be blue, but can also be gray. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand again and asks "Are farts lumpy?"

The teacher replies "No Little Johnny, and that doesn't have the word "definitely" in it."

Little Johnny says, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

A London Lawyer and Sexy Lady - An awesome Joke

Once a Lawyer was travelling by train from Liverpool to Manchester.

When the train started, He was traveling alone in the business class.

Some time later, a Very Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat!
The Lawyer was pleasantly Happy🙂

The lady kept smiling at him...
This made him even Happier ☺️☺️

Then she went and sat next to him....
he was bubbling with Joy😊😍�

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear...

"Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me , else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
The Lawyer stared blankly at her 🙄

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I am sorry, I can not hear or speak... Please write on this paper whatever you want to say"

The lady wrote everything that she said earlier and gave it back to him!

The Lawyer took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket...
got up and told her in clear tones...
*Now shout & scream !!*

Moral of the story :

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Who Said that? - Awesome Joke

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

A Mormon and An Irish - Awesome Joke

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Hanging Out !! - A woman and a Cop - Joke

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

A Farmer and schoolmistress - An awesome Joke

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands.

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to go to 23 Elm street. Could you tell me the way? "

"Sure," said the farmer. "Actually, I'll be waking right by 23 Elm. I can just walk you there. "

As they went along, the farmer started to take his usual shortcut down a narrow, somewhat darkened alley. The schoolmistress halted in alarm. "Are we going to go down there!" She exclaimed.

"Why not?" Asked the farmer, puzzled and irritated.

"It's so dark and deserted!" The schoolmistress said. "You might be planning to push me up against the wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me!"

" Lady, " the farmer said, annoyed. "I'm carrying a bucket, a brick, two chickens and a duck. How exactly am i supposed to ravish you? "

The schoolmistress replied, "You put the duck down under the bucket, put the brick on top, and I hold a chicken under each arm."

Lesbian Neighbours and Me !!

My lesbian neighbours Eva & Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters!
For 6 months now we’ve been trying but I haven't got the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year

Blondes Are Not Stupid !!

10,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 10,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 10,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 10,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 10,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"