US HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 !!!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . 

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. 


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. 

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 


Massachusettsexecutes last remaining conservative. 


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. 


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 

Now, share this with whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very, very scared.

I Love This Country! 

It's The Government That Scares Me! 

3 Wishes - Genie and Me

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

The Wong Brothers - A must read story

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic could bring the dead back to life, but he did so to make them his eternal servants.

One day, Wong Lee was reading one of the ancient scrolls in his tower. He discovered a spell that allowed him to create a stronger, better type of servant, better than the ghouls, ghasts and spectres that he had made in the past. The spell required only three ingredients to cast, but they were very difficult to obtain.

Wong Lee went out to look for the first ingredient: a single scale from a red dragon. He and his servant went to the great hills and valleys in search of the dragon, but found none. Then they went to the wide open desert, but still found none. They climbed the highest mountains in China in search of the dragon, but found none.

It was only when they began to climb down from the summit of the mountain that a red dragon came to visit them. "It would appear that you two are looking for one of my scales," said the dragon in a deep, booming voice.

"Yes, great dragon, it is a reagent for my spell," said Wong Lee.

The dragon looked upon Wong Lee and his servant and slowly nodded its giant head. "I will trade you a scale from my hide for the life of your brother Wan," said the dragon, and Wong Lee agreed, for he cared not about the life of his brother.

Now that Wong Lee had the first ingredient, it was time to find the second: a single pearl from a giant clam. Wong Lee and his servant searched the rivers long and far, but found no clam. They went through every grain of sand on every beach, but found no clam. They sailed the seas and dove into its depths, but found no clam.

It was only when they began to return to shore that a large clam came up from the sea in front of their ship. "You are looking for my pearl, aren't you?" said the clam.

"Yes, great clam, it is a reagant for my spell," said Wong Lee.

The clam looked upon Wong Lee and his servant, and slowly opened its huge shell. "I will trade you my pearl for the life of your brother Tsu," said the clam, and Wong Lee agreed, for he cared not about the life of his brother.

When Wong Lee returned to his tower, he found that the bodies of his brothers had been placed there by the dragon and the clam. "This is good for me," he said to himself, "because the last ingredient is the bodies of two powerful magicians."

Wong Lee drew a ritual circle in his tower, lighting candles and braziers that cast an eerie glow over the bodies of his brothers. He set them perfectly inside the circle, and placed the scale and pearl he had been given upon each body. With the spell ready to recite, Wong Lee began to chant, and a bright red light shone through the chamber for a moment. When it faded, nothing was left but Wong Lee and his servant. The scale, the pearl, and the two bodies had vanished entirely.

"I don't understand!" Wong Lee shouted. "Everything was in its proper place! The spell should have worked!"

"Excuse me, master," his servant interrupted, "but everyone knows that two Wongs don't make a wight."

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”

“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.

He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

Three Bills at a bar - Joke

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then saiys:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

A Manager !!! - A Super Hilarious Joke

A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass
Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

Sharing Everything - Old Couple - Joke

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

 He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

The Scout Leader and Snake !!! - Joke

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

The most important quality ! - A must read Story

First year medical students were receiving their first anatomy class with a cadaver. They all gathered around the table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them; “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities: the first is that you can not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”.  

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it. 

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them; “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

Fire !!! - an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician - Joke

In a hotel an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.

 After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher. Stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. 
The mathematician wakes up, notices the fire, sees the extinguisher - "aaaah, the problem is solvable"  
and goes to sleep again.

Bathing Monks and Nuns - An awesome Joke

Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.

When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.

The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap

"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.

But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.

Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

Canons Roar - A Hilarious Joke

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts...

"What the fuck was THAT?!"

Attractive woman and a man at a restaurant - Joke

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

A golfer and his wife - Hilarious #joke

A golfer and his wife - Hilarious #joke

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end 

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." 
The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Paranoid Neighbor - Joke

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified?
Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Nude British Lady and Chinese Taxi Driver !

Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a naked woman before?"

Chinese Driver: I no look you naked. I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

MORAL:

Be Chinese!
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what!

One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet !!!

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". 

Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - 
"One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". 

General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - 
"One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". 

Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. 
This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - 

"Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".

Doctor, Doctor.. A hilarious #Joke

Doctor, Doctor.. A hilarious #Joke 

Beer Party ! - Joke

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."