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Showing posts with label drunk jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drunk jokes. Show all posts

Monday, April 29, 2019

G-g-gimme a b-b-beer - A bar Joke


A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!"

The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know..."

A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?"

"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

Saturday, April 20, 2019

A man at the Bar - Funniest Joke

A man at the Bar - Funniest Joke


Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Father Murphy walks into a pub


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Friday, March 29, 2019

A Depressed Guy in a Bar !!


There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said, “Come on Man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that.” the man replied, “Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with my best friend.”
The man was really sobbing now, “I left home depressed and come to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!”

Friday, January 4, 2019

A Magic Apple in a bar !!


A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender walks to the back and after a few minutes hands the man an apple.

The man looks at it for a moment confused and takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like coke! But what about the rum?"

"Turn it around" the bartender says, and sure enough it tastes like rum!

"That's amazing!" Says the man, "Can I have a gin and tonic?"

The bartender nods his head and again walks to the back. After a few minutes he hands the man another apple, and just like before one side tastes like gin and the other like tonic water.

"This is crazy!" Says the man, "can you make apples taste like anything?"

The bartender nods his head, "Pretty much."

"Well, can I have an apple that tastes like pussy?"

The bartender walks to the back and in no time hands the man another apple.

The man takes a big bite with excitement, but quickly spits it out all over the bar.

"This tastes like shit!" Yells the man.

The bartender looks at the man for a second and says, "Turn it around."

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Why am I here? - An alcoholic Joke


An alcoholic wakes up in jail.


He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Thursday, October 25, 2018

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception


He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

The wait, wait, and wait.. - The Prom dance night


So there was this slightly introverted high school student who had never asked a girl to a dance. It’s his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom. So he musters up the courage and asks one of his friends. She says yes. Now he has to prepare for the dance. 

The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line. So he waits, and waits, and waits, then he finally gets the tickets. The next day, he goes with his date to go get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door. So the wait, they wait, and they wait. 

Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress. After this, they go to men’s warehouse to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door. So they wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit. 

The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line. So he waits, waits, and waits until he gets his order in. Now it’s the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo, so he calls up the limo rental place. 

All the lines are busy so he decides to go into the place. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner. So he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he was lucky enough to get the very last limo. 

So now it’s the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom. So the wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get to the front and they both pass their drug tests. 

Now the dance was going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really had to go to the bathroom. So he takes off to go, and he sees this huge line going out of the bathroom. He waits, waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business. 

When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date. She had just randomly passed out. Someone says to him, “hey, you’re her date, go get her some punch.” So he goes over to the punch table and thank god, there is no punch line.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Brave man in a bar - 3 Tasks !!! - Joke


A man walks in a bar, and sees a jar of money on top of the bar. He asked the bartender "What's that money for?". The bartender tell him "that's the pot". 

The bartender pours the man a drink and begins to tell him about the jar. The bartender says "You put $20 in the jar and you have a chance to win everything by completing three tasks". 

The bartender then continues "First you have to knock out our bouncer, Leon. Next you have to go outside and visit our guard dog. It's a mean pitbull with a bad tooth, you have to pull it." 
The bartender says "Finally, we have an old lady upstairs. You have to give her an orgasm." 

The man says "Hell no!" and continues to drink. 
After about two hours of drinking the man reaches into pocket and grabs $20 and puts it in the jar. 
He walks up to Leon and says "You must be Leon." He reaches to shake hands, but then catches Leon off guard and instead punches him in the jaw knocking him out." 

At this point the bar gets quiet because no one has ever knocked out Leon. Without saying a word the man points at the back door and the bartender nods. 

The mans walks out the back door, and you hear the pitbull growling and barking, and then it goes into a soft whimper. The man walks back in the bar and says "So....where's this old woman with the bad tooth."

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Three Bills at a bar - Joke


Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then saiys:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Monkey at the bar - Joke


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey
jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,
then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see
what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for
the stuff the monkey ate,then leaves.


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has
his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut,
and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, 
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he had to shit out
that cue ball, he measures everything FIRST!"

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

"You must be single." - Joke

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

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