Mirrors have a memory

Animals Personalities

Interesting Ice Cream Creations

Funny Finger Paintings

<*-*> Humor of Sterven Wright <*-*>

Humor of Steven Wright

[1]  All of the people in my building are insane. The guy
 above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic
 cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
 department store... with a pricing gun... She said,
 "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking
 down everything in the store."

[2]  And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive
 downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
 car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

[3]  Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at
 the beach... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a
 little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You
 haven't worked a day in your life!"

[4]  Do you think that when they asked George Washington
 for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

[5]  Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you
 know it will be up all night?

[6]  Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT
 press? I don't get it...

[7]  For a while I didn't have a car...I had a
 helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to
 a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance
 upward]

[8]  For my birthday I got a humidifier and a
 dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let
 them fight it out.

[9]  He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made
 all of his money? ... He designed the little
 diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.

[10]  I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so
 I had to buy them again.

[11]  I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a
 house.

[12]  I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get
 seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can
 get me five.

[13]  I collect rare photographs. One of them is of Houdini
 locking his keys in his car....

[14]  I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one
  It wasn't doing what I was doing.

What Do Unborn Babies Think Of?

Who is next????

Who is next for Chelsea????

From - Guardian

Top 10 Dumbest Criminals

RUNNER-UP #9 Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

RUNNER-UP #8 Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP #7 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP #6 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP #5 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP #4 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP #3 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

RUNNER-UP #2 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

RUNNER-UP #1 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

THE WINNER! A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Ohhhh Noooooo.. New Looooo

The Country Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a

doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?

When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.

That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with

a younger woman.

She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,

'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,'

the younger doctor told her.

'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said,

'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

“I did what you did at the last house.

I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.

Boys n Girls While Using ATM

Difference between Boys and Girls while using ATM

Boys:

1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip 

Girls:

1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code

21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
41. Manually check haircut
42. Go into roundabout - wrong way
43. BRAKE
44. Go into roundabout - right way
45. Drive 5 kilometers
46. Remove hand brake

47. Call boyfriend/husband to tell how miserable she was because of HIM.

A TC in a train collects fine from girls...

A TC in a train collects fine from girls...

    A TC in a train collects fine from girls...

he collects Rs.300 from a girl-








she was wearing sleeveless.
  from 2nd girl he collects Rs. 200








she was wearing  sleeveless & backless.

From 3rd girl he collects Rs. 100








she was wearing a sleeveless & backless &
a skimpy mini-skirt...

 
  From 4th girl he collects Rs. 0
  why?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  perverted dirty minds !! what r u thinking??







 
  she had a ticket !!!

Great Classifieds

Great Classifieds:

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:


Illiterate? Write today for free help.


Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.


Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.


Stock up and save. Limit: one.


Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.


Year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.


Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.


Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.


Blue Cross and salary.


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00


For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.


We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.


Great Dames for sale. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. 


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.


Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.


Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.


For Rent: room hated apartment.


Man, honest. Will take anything.


Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.


Christmas taxable.


Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.


Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.


Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.


Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.


Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.


And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Bachelor GUY & Bachelor GIRL

---

MONTHLY MILESTONES OF A BACHELOR GUY 

Heading	First Week	Second Week	Third Week	Fourth Week
a) Bank Balance	20000	2000	200	20
b) Conveyance	Auto ("I can afford it")	Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")	Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")	Walk ("Good for health")
c) Girl Friends	Eena , Meena & Tina ("I can BUY love")	Meena &Tina ("I have enough girl friends")	Tina ("I am loyal to her")	"Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"
d) Mobile Maintenance	Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")	Restricted outgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on mobile lines")	Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")	Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")
e) Boozing	"Come, let's go to Goa and freak out!	"Man, there is nothing in Goa . Let's go to Mysore ."	"The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?"	"Drinking is injurious to health."

MONTHLY MILESTONES OF A Bachelor GIRL

Heading	First Week	Second Week	Third Week	Fourth Week
a) Bank Balance	20000	20000	20000	20000
b) Conveyance	A uto  ("after all my boy friend pays for it")	Auto  ("after all my boy friend pays for it")	Auto  ("after all my boy friend pays for it")	Auto  ("after all my boy friend pays for it")
c)  Boy  Friends	Abhinav , saleem, Peter	Sachin, sumeet, vinay	Abhijeet, Ram, christopher...	Arun , Saketh, vimal..
d) Mobile Maintenance	Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)	Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)	Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)	Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)
e) Boozing	"Come, let's go to Goa and freak out!	"Come, let's go to Kulu and freak out!	"Come, let's go to  Shimla  and freak out!	"Come, let's go to darjling and freak out!

ELASTIC..:))