Killed a Pig !! - Trump Joke

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

Free Sex Tonight !!!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. 

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" 
I said, "Wow!" 

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Relationships !!

Relationships !!

Blonde got a Job - Hilarious Joke

Blonde got a Job - Hilarious Joke 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" says the blonde.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.

"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," the blonde admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

So the blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," she says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

45 Quick And Dirty Riddles That Will Stump Even Your Smartest Friends

1. You play with me at night before going to sleep. You can't get caught fiddling with me at work. You only let a select few people touch me. What am I?

Your phone.

2. What's a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?

Talk.

3. I start with a "v" and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I?

Her voice.

4. I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?

Your nose.

5. What's in a man's pants that you won't find in a girl's dress?

Pockets.

6. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

A tent.

7. What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

8. If I miss, I might hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

The paperboy.

9. What four-letter word begins with "f" and ends with "k," and if you can't get it you can always just use your hands?

A fork.

10. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

An elevator.

11. I'm spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

Peanut butter.

12. Arnold Schwarzenegger's is really long. Michael J. Fox's is short. Daffy Duck's isn't human. Madonna doesn't have one. What am I?

A last name.

13. What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside? The word begins with "c," ends in "t," and there's a "u" and an "n" between them.

A coconut.

14. I start with a "p" and ends with "o-r-n," and I'm a major player in the film industry. What am I?

Popcorn.

15. My business is briefs. I'm a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it regularly. What am I?

A lawyer.

16. You get a lot of it if you're powerful and successful, but significantly less when you're just starting out. You sometimes do it with yourself, but it's a lot better when you do it with another person. What am I talking about?

Email.

17. Name a word that starts with "f" and ends with "u-c-k"?

Firetruck!

18. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

An arrow.

19. I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

20. What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Pants.

21. I'm great for protection. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

Gloves.

22. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt.

23. What's beautiful and natural, but gets prickly if it isn't trimmed regularly?

The lawn.

24. All men have one, but it's longer on some than others. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife once they're married.

His last name.

25. I assist with erections. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. I'm known as a big swinger. What am I?

A crane.

26. You find me in a guy's pants. I'm about six inches long, I have a head, and some women love to blow me. What am I?

A twenty dollar bill.

27. When I go in, I can cause some pain. I'll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit, and not swallow. What am I?

Your dentist.

28. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

29. I grow in a bed, first white then red, and the plumper I get, the better women like me. What am I?

A strawberry.

30. I'm the highlight of many dates. I'm especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. What am I?

A bowling ball.

31. What's made of rubber, handed out at some schools, and exists to prevent mistakes?

Erasers.

32. I'm at least six inches long. I love it wet and foamy when I get to do my job. What am I?

A toothbrush.

33. What's messy and can be really annoying and/or tricky to clean up after sex?

Feelings.

34. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. Something really big and hard ripped me open. What am I?

The Titanic.

35. It's a fun thing to do and you devote a significant amount of energy to thinking about it, but you hate knowing that your parents are doing it. What is it?

Facebook.

36. What's most useful when it's long and hard?

An education.

37. What's white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?

Toothpaste.

38. A lot of people like these to be as long as possible, but short ones can be effective, and it's definitely possible for them to be too long. What are they?

Tweets.

39. Name a word that's four letters long, ends in "u-n-t" and is used to refer to some women?

Aunt.

40. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

41. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand, plus a dozen donuts.

42. Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut!

43. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

44. What does a woman have two of the a cow has four of?

Legs.

45. Sometimes a finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

Your wedding band.

A.R.V.லோஷன்

A.R.V.Loshan

Sri Lankans are the Best in the World !!

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question's wrong.
UK: Not found on the Internet.
 
Lankan:  F(IV)E

This is the reason you find Sri Lankans everywhere in the world...
in finance, business, medicine, engineering....
anything to do with using your brain.

British: Can u Swim?
Lankan: No
British:  Then a Dog is Better than you because It Swims.
Lankan: Can you Swim?
British: Yes!
Lankan: Then What's the Difference between you and the Dog…

British Shocked, Sri lankan Rocks! 👍 😜 😂 . . .

Britisher : WHY are you Sri lankans differ in colors, look we are all white..?
Lankans: Horses are in different colors but donkeys r all the same..!

Medico Legal Joke of the day

Medico Legal joke of the day

A recent article in the Times reported that a woman, Anita Patel , has sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in her .

A hospital spokesman replied in court:

"Mr. Patel was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corrected his eyesight."

😂😝😷😷

Hilarious Laws which you have not studied in schools

Hilarious Laws which you have not studied in schools

💮 *Law of equality :

The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes  is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll cal you in 5 minutes!
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Queue:*

If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Telephone:*

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.😅
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Mechanical Repair:*

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of the Workshop:*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.😐
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Bath Theorem:*

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Encounters:*

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of the Result:*

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Bio mechanics:*

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Theatre Rule:*

People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last. 😅
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Coffee:*

As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold. 😩
➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of Proposal :*

After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...😜

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮 *Law of getting late*

When you reach early for something it will never start on time😜😉

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
💮  *Law of exam*

If you didn't read a page which is of least importance,  first question will be from that page only. 😜😜😝

Ass and Media !

Ass and Media !

#Media #justforfun
A King enrolled his donkey in a race
& won.
Local paper read:
'KING's ASS WON!'
The king was so upset with this kind
of publicity that he gave the donkey
to the queen.
The local paper then read:
"QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN!"
The king fainted....
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer
for 10$.
Next day paper read: "QUEEN SELLS
HER ASS FOR $10!"
The queen fainted...
The next day king ordered the queen
to buy back the donkey and leave it
in jungle.
The Next Headlines:
"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS NOW
FREE & WILD !"

The king died... !!

Thats Media!!! You cant control it.
🤗🤗🤗 ....

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? - Celebrities' replies

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.”  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”  Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver.  The chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.

BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road.  Not a single time.  Never.  (It was a boulevard.)

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.  Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.  Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

North Korea and Chicken

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

What's up Whatsapp :)

What's up Whatsapp :)

Economics is not that difficult if we have the *Right Examples*.

*Interviewer*: What is Recession? 

*Candidate*: When *Wine & Women* get replaced by *Water & Wife*, 

that critical phase of life is called *Recession*!!😜

*Accountancy fact*:

What is the difference between *Liability* & *Asset*?

A *drunk friend* is *liability*...

But

A *drunk Girlfriend* is an *Asset*....

😜😜😜😜😜

*Law of equality* 💠

The time taken by a wife when she says *I'll get ready in 5 min* is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says *'I'll call u in 5 min*!📞📱

😜😜😜😜

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

I argued👿... She argued👿...

I shouted😡... She shouted😡 and then she cried😭

*Result*: She won by *duckworth lewis* method😱

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

*Chess* is the only game in the world,

which reflects the status of the *husband*.

This *poor king* can take only *one step at a time* ...

While the *mighty queen can do whatever she likes*....

-------------🙋🙆💁🙅

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

All Men are Brave...

Horror Movies don't Scare them....

But *5 Missed Calls from Wife* ..surely does...😝😝😝

One Smart Guy Invented

*WhatsApp*

His Wife Added a feature in it called

*Last Seen At*'😜👌

Thank god she didnt add

*Last Seen With*

😉😝😝--------------------------------------------------------------

Punch Of D Day ....

✨✨👊👊✨✨

Once A Man Asked

God....

Why All Girls Are So *Cute & Sweet*, And All Wives Are *Always Angry*????

*God Answered*: Girls Are Made By Me ... And *You make them Wives*..!!!

*Your Problem*.. !!! 😉

😝

*What's Marriage*?

*Answer* - MARRIAGE Is The *7th Sense Of Humans*

That *Destroys* All The *Six Senses*

And Makes The Person *NON Sense*..!

😜😜😝😝😜😜😝😝

Definition Of *Happy Couple* -

HE Does What *SHE Wants*…

*SHE Does What SHE Wants*......

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜😝

*Wife*: Dear, this computer is not working *as per my command*.

*Husband*: Exactly darling! its a computer, *Not a Husband*...!!

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜😝

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."

- *Shakespear*...

"Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes, Can Shorten ur Life."

- *Shakespear's Wife*

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Champions Trophy 2017 - Truly a SEXY tournament

​

This Champions Trophy has truly been unique. 

Australia has a guy named Cumming!

Bangladesh has a guy named Mossdicka!

England has a guy named Balls!

India has a guy named Hardick!

New Zealand has a guy named Raunchy!

Pakistan has a guy named Fakkar!

South Africa has a guy named Kock!

Sri Lanka has a guy named Dickwala!

No wonder its been a sexy tournament so far and rightly so on Sunday we get to witness an epic climax of Hardick-Fakkar!

​

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes.

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes

1. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
3. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
4. Alcoholics don’t run in my family — they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
5. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “some asshole has my pen.”
6. “I have an L-shaped couch… Lower case.”
7. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
8. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
9. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
10. My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the snide bastard was thinking.
11. Saw this somewhere: If your parachute doesn’t open, don’t panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it!
12. Saw a sign outside of an office building which said:”Today’s workshop ‘How To Cope With Disappointment’ has been cancelled.”
13. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
14. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
15. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing, except when at a funeral.
16. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
17. “Yes, I have reservations… but I’ll eat here anyway”

A letter to Sun

😩 42°+ temperature in many places.... 

Some one wrote to Sun...

Dear Sun,

Please go to settings, display and brightness and please lower your brightness! 

Please, its too hot to handle!

🌞 Sun's reply...

I have not changed any settings. Please go to your settings and...

1. Increase number of trees...
2. Reduce carbon emissions levels...
3. Reduce concrete jungles...
4. Increase number of lakes...

Basically, switch to
"Human Mode"
from auto mode...!!!

Useless Facts

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
4. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
5. The average secretary’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
6. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
7. There are more chickens than people in the world (at least before that chicken-flu thing).
8. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
9. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
10. All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are members of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”. And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
25. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Boyfriend's new Sports car

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

Amazing Ancient Japanese Proverb tells about you !

Amazing Ancient Japanese Proverb tells about you !