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Showing posts with label job jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job jokes. Show all posts

Monday, September 12, 2016

A Little Engineer Humor


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.  He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Engineers - Funny Side ;)


How many software customer-support people does it take to change a light bulb ?

What makes you think the problem is with the light bulb? Have you tried reinstalling your house's electrical wiring?


Two bytes were at a bar. One byte turns to the other and says "Hey, I'm not feeling too well, I think I have a parity error." The other byte says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."


Power = Work / Time (physics)

but

Time is Money and
Knowledge is Power

therefore,

Knowledge = Work / Money
and
Money = Work / Knowledge

Therefore, the more you know, the less you get paid.


What's the difference between a civil engineer and an aerospace engineer?

Aerospace engineer's build weapons, civil engineers build targets!

Friday, September 9, 2016

God is an Engineer? - Joke


Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have even come up with that."

The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

Sunday, August 21, 2016

The Bank Robbers


Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. 

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. 

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." 

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

Monday, August 15, 2016

Duck Hunting - Joke


A general practitioner, an internist, and a surgeon go duck hunting. A bird flies over, the GP jumps up and says “Well, it looks like a duck and flies like a duck. Must be a duck.” He blasts away 3 times with his shotgun, missing each time, and the bird flies on.

Another bird flies over. The internist looks up and says, “Well it looks like a duck and flies like a duck. But we can’t rule out an Aleutian Canada goose, which can appear similar. And since this is a federally endangered species, shooting it would be contra-indicated. Another consideration would be…” By the time he’s finished talking, the bird is out of range.

The third bird flies over. The surgeon takes one shot and the bird falls dead at his feet. He picks it up and says “What do you know. A duck.”

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Polishing Apples - Joke


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Thursday, June 9, 2016

One Awesome Joke via Whatsapp


One day an ✈aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilots’ cockpit when he saw a 📕book entitled “How to fly an aeroplane✈ for beginners. Volume One”.
😊
He opened the first page which said, “To start the engine, press the 🔴red button.”. He did so and the airplane engine started.
🎺
He was happy and opened the next page. “To set airplane moving press the blue🔵 button.”
He did so and the ✈aeroplane started moving at an amazing speed.
🎷
He wanted to fly so he opened the third page which read, “To let the aeroplane fly, please press the ♻green button.”
He did this and the plane started to ✈✈✈fly.
He was excited!!!🌻
After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land so he decided to go to the fourth page.
🍁
He fainted 😱after reading the instruction.. 🎯
The fourth page read, “To learn how to land, please purchase Volume Two at the nearest bookshop!!!!😜😆

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Robbers !!! - A must read story


During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: 

“Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.” Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. 
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. 

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!” 

This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.” 

The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. 

Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!” 

This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. 

But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. 

This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.” This is called “Killing Boredom.” 
Personal Happiness is more important than your job. 

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. 
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. 
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!” 

This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

 So who are the real robbers here?

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Interesting Interview !


A company advertise for job vacancy. There were a lot of people came for the interview. All the applicants were arranged to sit in a big hall and question papers were issued. The company’s manager said , ” There are ten questions in the question paper. you are given five minutes to answer these questions. Qualified persons will be selected and offered the job.” 

Everybody was trying to answer the questions very fast due to the lack of time. After the given time, the manager collected the answer sheets. By that time, the applicants complaint to the manager as “You have provided very short time to answer. We are unable to answer all the questions with this less time”.

Only the two of them returned the answer sheet without any response. Thus, the company manager said  ”Whoever provide the empty answer sheet are eligible to work in this company”. Everyone got surprised and asked the manager ” We answered at least some of the questions correctly, but those two haven’t even answer any. How come they got selected?”. The manager responded ” Please check the 10th question”. It stated “You need not answer any of the above questions”

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

A mechanic and A Doctor


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Painter and the Blond


A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a 'handy woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blond, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she might need
were in the garage. His wife overheard the conversation and asked,
"Does she realize that porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blond
email jokes we've been receiving." A short time later, the blond came to
the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00."And by the way," the
blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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