January Jokes

January Jokes 

Duck Hunting - Joke

A general practitioner, an internist, and a surgeon go duck hunting. A bird flies over, the GP jumps up and says “Well, it looks like a duck and flies like a duck. Must be a duck.” He blasts away 3 times with his shotgun, missing each time, and the bird flies on.

Another bird flies over. The internist looks up and says, “Well it looks like a duck and flies like a duck. But we can’t rule out an Aleutian Canada goose, which can appear similar. And since this is a federally endangered species, shooting it would be contra-indicated. Another consideration would be…” By the time he’s finished talking, the bird is out of range.

The third bird flies over. The surgeon takes one shot and the bird falls dead at his feet. He picks it up and says “What do you know. A duck.”

Polishing Apples - Joke

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Robbers !!! - A must read story

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: 

“Don’t move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you.” Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. 

This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. 

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!” 

This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.” 

The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. 

Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!” 

This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. 

But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”. 

This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.” This is called “Killing Boredom.” 

Personal Happiness is more important than your job. 

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. 

The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. 
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!” 

This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

 So who are the real robbers here?

Because I'm a Man..

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire long  after hypothermia has set in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one  of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."
We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is
a euphemism. (For your information guys, cumin is a spice and not a bodily function.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much,
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television ion remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, trucks, or football. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, 
or have your mother come visit us,
or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... 
and if you are feeling amorous afterwards,
then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. 
Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.....like wandering around in the
garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male

;)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Life is like that !!! - Very touching story

Very touching story ..

Once upon a time, a boy named Hameed lived in a tiny primitive Moroccan village. He was a moron and all his classmates hated him for his stupidity, especially his teacher Aisha who was always yelling at him, "you are driving me crazy Hameed". 

One day his mother went to check out how is he doing and the teacher Aisha told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and that even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her whole career... The mother could not accept such a feed back and not only did she take her son out from that school but she even shifted to another city...

25 years later, that teacher got an incurable cardio disease and all the doctors had strongly advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform effectively.. 

Left with no other choice she did the surgery and it was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling at her. Being under anesthesia effect, she would have loved to thank him but could not talk. He was staring at her face which started turning to blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and she eventually died... The doctor was shocked and was trying hard to understand what just happened; till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the oxygen device to connect his Vaccum Cleaner....

Don't tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor.... :) :p

LIFE is to enjoy - Live life with laugh

An Old man has 8 hair on his head.

He went to Barber shop.

Barber in anger asked: shall i cut or count ?

Old man smiled and said: "Colour it!"

LIFE is to enjoy with whatever you have with you, keep smiling.
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If you feel STRESSED,

Give yourself a Break,

Enjoy Some..

Ice cream

Chocolates

Cake

Why?

B'Coz

STRESSED in reverse Spelling - DESSERTS !!!

Alphabetic advice for you:

A B C - Avoid Boring Company..

D E F - Don't Entertain Fools..

G H I - Go for High Ideas .

J K L M - Just Keep a friend like ME..

N O P - Never Overlook the Poor n suffering..

Q R S - Quit Reacting to Silly tales..

T U V - Tune Urself for ur Victory..

W X Y Z - We Xpect You to Zoom ahead in life

If you see the moon ..... You see the beauty of God .....
If you see the Sun ..... You see the power of God ..... And ....
If you see the Mirror..... You see the best Creation of GOD .

So Believe in YOURSELF.

Our aim in life should be
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0

9 - glass drinking water.
8 - hrs sound sleep.
7 - wonders tour with family.
6 - six digit income.
5 - days work a week
4 - wheeler.
3 - bedroom flat
2 - cute children.
1 - sweetheart.
0 - tension !

Tea for Daddy - Joke

Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Blonde learns Horse - Joke

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Short humor jokes-Absent minded

Short humor jokes-Absent minded

--> Absent-minded professor - Heavens! someone stole my wallet.
Wife- Did'nt you feel a hand in your pocket?
Professor- I did, but I thought it was mine

--> Did you hear about the absent-minded doctor who, on his wedding day, when it came to put the ring on the wife's finger, started checking the pulse rate and asked her to stick out her tongue?

--> Nurse - You've just become the father of a baby boy!
Professor - Don't tell my wife, I want to surprise her.

--> Did you hear about the absent-minded who stood in front of the mirror for hours together wondering where he had seen himself before.