Too Late..

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: “Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

Always let your boss have the first say.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”


“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

Officer and Rancher !! - A Hilarious Joke

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... 

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

A Brave Man in Thailand - Joke

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric Boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore.

Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be given to the next of kin.

For a long period of time no one dared take up the challenge... then suddenly a man jumped in...and swam frantically for his life towards shore pursued by the crocs...and luckily he made it unscathed.

When he managed to recover his breath... the man, who became instant millionaire, shouted asking who pushed him into the pond..... it was his wife who did it.!!!

And from that day...that was how the phrase... "Behind every successful man...there's a woman"...came about !!! 😅

Beer Party ! - Joke

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then neither will I."

Blonde's Flask - Funniest Blonde Joke

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

So she asks him what it's for.

He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself.

The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

Blonde got a Job - Hilarious Joke

Blonde got a Job - Hilarious Joke 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" says the blonde.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.

"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," the blonde admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

So the blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," she says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

Boss.. Boss...

A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"

"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Fallen - Joke

A person once went for an interview in a very reputed company. While entering the room, he slipped and fell on the ground. Humiliated, one might think. Documents scattered all over the place.

The man picked himself up. And with a smile on his face he spoke out loud, "Finally, I have fallen into right place!".

He was hired the very next moment.

One Awesome Joke via Whatsapp

One day an aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilots’ cockpit when he saw a book entitled “How to fly an aeroplane for beginners. Volume One”.

He opened the first page which said, “To start the engine, press the 🔴red button.”. He did so and the airplane engine started.

He was happy and opened the next page. “To set airplane moving press the blue🔵 button.”

He did so and the aeroplane started moving at an amazing speed.

He wanted to fly so he opened the third page which read, “To let the aeroplane fly, please press the ♻green button.”

He did this and the plane started to fly.
He was excited!!!

After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land so he decided to go to the fourth page.

He fainted after reading the instruction.. 

The fourth page read, “To learn how to land, please purchase Volume Two at the nearest bookshop!!!!

HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS

HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS:

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long
and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,prepare
yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the
card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage


3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout "BULLSHIT!"