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Showing posts with label one liners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one liners. Show all posts

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Break Up ! - Some funny one liners

Break Up ! - Some funny one liners


Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Best and Funniest One liners



  1. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
  2. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
  3. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
  4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  5. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
  6. Basic research is what I’m doing, when I don’t know what I’m doing.
  7. Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
  8. This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
  9. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
  10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
  11. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
  12. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
  13. At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women!
  14. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? - Celebrities' replies

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?



KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.”  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.  How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.  Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”  Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver.  The chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.
BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road.  Not a single time.  Never.  (It was a boulevard.)
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.  Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.  Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Oscar Wilde's Awesome 25 Quotes

Oscar Wilde's Awesome 25 Quotes





1. I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
2. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
3. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
4. It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
5. The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
6. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
7. What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
8. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
9. When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
10. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
11. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
12. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
13. True friends stab you in the front.
14. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
15. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
16. There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
17. Genius is born—not paid.
18. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
19. How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
20. A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.
21. My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.
22. The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
23. I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
24. There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
25. Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

What's up Whatsapp :)

What's up Whatsapp :)



Economics is not that difficult if we have the *Right Examples*.

*Interviewer*: What is Recession? 

*Candidate*: When *Wine & Women* get replaced by *Water & Wife*, 
that critical phase of life is called *Recession*!!😜

*Accountancy fact*:

What is the difference between *Liability* & *Asset*?

A *drunk friend* is *liability*...

But

A *drunk Girlfriend* is an *Asset*....
😜😜😜😜😜

*Law of equality* πŸ’ 

The time taken by a wife when she says *I'll get ready in 5 min* is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says *'I'll call u in 5 min*!πŸ“žπŸ“±
😜😜😜😜
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

I arguedπŸ‘Ώ... She arguedπŸ‘Ώ...

I shouted😑... She shouted😑 and then she cried😭

*Result*: She won by *duckworth lewis* method😱
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
*Chess* is the only game in the world,
which reflects the status of the *husband*.

This *poor king* can take only *one step at a time* ...

While the *mighty queen can do whatever she likes*....
-------------πŸ™‹πŸ™†πŸ’πŸ™…
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
All Men are Brave...

Horror Movies don't Scare them....

But *5 Missed Calls from Wife* ..surely does...😝😝😝

One Smart Guy Invented
*WhatsApp*

His Wife Added a feature in it called
*Last Seen At*'πŸ˜œπŸ‘Œ

Thank god she didnt add
*Last Seen With*
πŸ˜‰πŸ˜πŸ˜--------------------------------------------------------------
Punch Of D Day ....
✨✨πŸ‘ŠπŸ‘Š✨✨

Once A Man Asked
God....

Why All Girls Are So *Cute & Sweet*, And All Wives Are *Always Angry*????

*God Answered*: Girls Are Made By Me ... And *You make them Wives*..!!!

*Your Problem*.. !!! πŸ˜‰
😝

*What's Marriage*?

*Answer* - MARRIAGE Is The *7th Sense Of Humans*
That *Destroys* All The *Six Senses*
And Makes The Person *NON Sense*..!

😜😜😝😝😜😜😝😝

Definition Of *Happy Couple* -

HE Does What *SHE Wants*…

*SHE Does What SHE Wants*......

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜😝

*Wife*: Dear, this computer is not working *as per my command*.

*Husband*: Exactly darling! its a computer, *Not a Husband*...!!

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜😝

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."
- *Shakespear*...

"Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes, Can Shorten ur Life."

- *Shakespear's Wife*

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜

Saturday, June 3, 2017

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes.

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes



  1. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
  2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  3. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
  4. Alcoholics don’t run in my family — they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
  5. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “some asshole has my pen.”
  6. “I have an L-shaped couch… Lower case.”
  7. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
  8. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
  9. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
  10. My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the snide bastard was thinking.
  11. Saw this somewhere: If your parachute doesn’t open, don’t panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it!
  12. Saw a sign outside of an office building which said:”Today’s workshop ‘How To Cope With Disappointment’ has been cancelled.”
  13. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
  14. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
  15. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing, except when at a funeral.
  16. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
  17. “Yes, I have reservations… but I’ll eat here anyway”

Monday, January 2, 2017

50 Positive one liners for the New Year 2017

A great post I got...
Worthy of reading again and again...
And saving it up for reading on a daily basis...


🌞50  Positive one liners...

1. Have a firm handshake.
2. Look people in the eye.
3. Sing in the shower.
4. Own a great stereo system.
5. If in a fight, hit first, and hit hard.
6. Keep secrets.
7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
9. Be brave. Even if you are not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
10. Whistle.
11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.
12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
16. When playing games with children, let them win.
17. Give people a second chance, always.
18. Be romantic.
19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for our convenience, not the caller's.
22. Be a good loser for your
loved ones.
23. Be a good winner of
Hearts.
24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
27. Keep it simple.
28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
29. Don't burn bridges. You will be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read: "No Regrets!".
31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you will regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
32. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
33. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
34. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
35. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
36. Begin each day with some of your favourite music.
37. Once in a while, take the scenic route.
38. Forgive quickly. Life is short.
39. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
40. Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 AM.
41. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
42. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
43. Make someone's day by encouraging them.
44. Become someone's hero.
45. Marry only for love.
46. Count your blessings.
47. Compliment the meal when you are a guest in someone's home.
48. Wave at the children on a school bus.
49. Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
50. Don't expect life to be fair...

Season's greetings - wish you all a wonderful 2017 well ahead of time!πŸ’•

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Dilbert's one liners

*Dilbert's one liners:*

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. πŸ˜€πŸ˜Š
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.πŸ˜πŸ˜”πŸ˜—
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. πŸ˜πŸ˜›
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane. πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.. πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒ
7. Born free, taxed to death. πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜€
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. πŸ˜™πŸ˜œ
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on yourpants. πŸŒΏπŸŒΎπŸ„πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. πŸŒ·πŸŒΏπŸŒΉ
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. πŸπŸ’πŸŒΈ
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and theblinking red light.πŸŒΈπŸ‚πŸŒ°
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented theother three, he was the genius.🌹🌻🌺
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? πŸŒΈπŸ‚πŸŒΏ
18.. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? πŸ€πŸŒΏπŸŒΉ
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!πŸ’πŸŒΈπŸŒ·
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them. πŸ’πŸ˜œπŸ‘
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. 😨🌺🌲
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. πŸ˜œπŸ˜€πŸ˜ƒ
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. 🌺🌻🌷
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26.. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.πŸ’ƒπŸ„
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction. πŸ’πŸƒ
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. πŸ˜–πŸ˜€
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
And the Best!
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else! πŸ˜œπŸ˜ƒ
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