Automatic Aeroplane - Nothing Can go Wrong

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. 

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. 

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

A Husband - wife quarrel

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

The Painter and the Blond

A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a 'handy woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blond, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials she might need
were in the garage. His wife overheard the conversation and asked,
"Does she realize that porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the dumb blond
email jokes we've been receiving." A short time later, the blond came to
the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00."And by the way," the
blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

The Blue Suit - Funniest Joke

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because
her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish
to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always
put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last
moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.
When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile
through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left,
a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing
a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had
always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.

He continued,
"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

The Monkey at the bar - Joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey
jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,
then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see
what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for
the stuff the monkey ate,then leaves.


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has
his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut,
and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, 
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he had to shit out
that cue ball, he measures everything FIRST!"

The Prisoner

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."

Does your dog bite? - Joke

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

5 minutes work & 1000 rupees !! - Joke

Dentist : I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient : How much will it cost?

Dentist : It’s Rs.1000.

Patient : One thousand for just a few minutes work???

Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Suicide with knife - Joke

Two friends communicating 

1st friend: Why are you heating the knife.

2st friend: To do suicide.

1st friend: But why are you heating it?

2st friend: To prevent infection.

Crazy Whatsapp People

Crazy people on my WhatsApp list.

1. Someone on his status "Sleeping" since 3 Days! He's Probably dead.
 

2. Someone is "Driving" since 9 days! I guess he reached North Pole!!

3. Someone's status is "Happy" since 1 Month. Living in Paradise???

4. Someone is always 'available'. How free are you?????

5. From first day their status is, 'Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp' I Know ! That's why you're on my list!

6. Someone writes "urgent calls only". Don't get it.. Are u in the fire or ambulance service?

7. Someone says, "can't talk. Whatsapp only". Dude then throw away ur phone.. You are not using the phone's Primary function

8. Someone is 'at the movies' for the past 6 weeks. Either he owns the theatre or sells popcorn there

Pls share with your loved ones and make them to laugh about others status.  

It's time for Pom Bashing - Best of England Cricket Jokes

Foxsports.com.au's best England jokes

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What advantage do Eoin Morgan and Jonathan Trott have over the rest of their teammates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What do Matt Prior and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. What is the definition of optimism?
A. An England batsman putting on sunscreen before going out to bat.

Q. What is the difference between an England batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss both.

The Four Cats !!!!

The Four Cats

 

Four men were bragging about how smart

their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist, and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'

 

T-square pranced over to the desk,

took out some paper and pen and promptly

drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned

with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Measure, do your stuff.'

 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge,

took out a quart of milk,

got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard

and poured exactly 8 ounces

without spilling a drop into the glass.

 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the

Government Employee and said,

'What can your cat do?'

 

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies..... ..
drank the milk.......

sh-t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....

put in for Workers' Compensation. ......... .....and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO

WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

LIFE is to enjoy - Live life with laugh

An Old man has 8 hair on his head.

He went to Barber shop.

Barber in anger asked: shall i cut or count ?

Old man smiled and said: "Colour it!"

LIFE is to enjoy with whatever you have with you, keep smiling.
------------------

If you feel STRESSED,

Give yourself a Break,

Enjoy Some..

Ice cream

Chocolates

Cake

Why?

B'Coz

STRESSED in reverse Spelling - DESSERTS !!!

Alphabetic advice for you:

A B C - Avoid Boring Company..

D E F - Don't Entertain Fools..

G H I - Go for High Ideas .

J K L M - Just Keep a friend like ME..

N O P - Never Overlook the Poor n suffering..

Q R S - Quit Reacting to Silly tales..

T U V - Tune Urself for ur Victory..

W X Y Z - We Xpect You to Zoom ahead in life

If you see the moon ..... You see the beauty of God .....
If you see the Sun ..... You see the power of God ..... And ....
If you see the Mirror..... You see the best Creation of GOD .

So Believe in YOURSELF.

Our aim in life should be
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0

9 - glass drinking water.
8 - hrs sound sleep.
7 - wonders tour with family.
6 - six digit income.
5 - days work a week
4 - wheeler.
3 - bedroom flat
2 - cute children.
1 - sweetheart.
0 - tension !

Gay Family - Joke

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
.
.
.
.

"YEAH, MY WIFE!" 

The Nursing Home - Joke

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Divorce Next Year...

Divorce Next Year...

A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce. Judge asked:
How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

Latest technology - Joke

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. 


One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. 


The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" 


Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes." The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?" 


The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid idiot! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!" So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!! 


Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it is better keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it !!!

Satan

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Juggler - Joke

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car? " asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act. " "Oh yeah? " says the cop. "Let's see you do it. " So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. 


A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now! "

Adam and Eve - Where were they from?

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British. " "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. " "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian. "