Little old lady and her sons - Joke

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

You can tell you've had too much of the 90s when...

You can tell you've had too much of the 90s when...

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Wanna go for a drink?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes."
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider Post (Mail) painfully slow and call it "snailmail."
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear all good jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company's name.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
18. Temps in your department outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
19. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
20. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
21. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
22. The intern gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
23. Being sick is defined as 'you can't walk' or 'you're in the hospital.'
24. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
25. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
26. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in? In your spare time...when you're freed up...I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you.
27. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you didn't even know had started is leaving.
28. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
29. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
30. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
31. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
32. You've run out of family member's birthdays to use for all of the ATM and banking PINs, email passwords, computer codes, and voicemail IDs you need to remember.
33. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
34. As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
35. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY ?

YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY ? 1. A bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full, it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present his present. 8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 9. I did not object to the object. 10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 11. There was a row amongst the oarsman about how to row. 12. They were too close to the door to close it. 13. The buck does funny things when the does are present. 14. A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer. 15. To help with the planting a farmer taught his sow to sow. 16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 17. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear. 18. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 19. How can I intimate this to my intimate friend ? Let's face it. English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Mincemeat is sweet and doesn't contain any meat at all. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are  square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham ? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth ?  If on your foot your wear a boot, then on your feet you should wear beet.  One goose, 2 geese. So, one mouse, 2 meese ? One mouse, 2 mice so one house, 2 hice ?  One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend ?  You can be disgruntled but not gruntled ? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it ? If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught ? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ? If I drink and get drunk, can I think what I thunk ? Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital ? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship ? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, whilst a wise man and a wise guy are opposites ? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible. --------------- There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word, and that is "UP". It is easy to  understand UP, meaning towards the sky or the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does the topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it  UP to the secretary to write UP the report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning … people stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost ¼ of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways in which UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and one but I will wrap this UP for now my time is UP, so it's time to shut UP. PS. Why doesn't "Buick "rhyme with "quick" ?