A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because
her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish
to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always
put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last
moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.
When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile
through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left,
a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing
a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had
always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued,
"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
ROMANCE MATHEMATICSSmart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETICSmart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
