17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes.

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes

1. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
3. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
4. Alcoholics don’t run in my family — they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
5. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “some asshole has my pen.”
6. “I have an L-shaped couch… Lower case.”
7. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
8. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
9. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
10. My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the snide bastard was thinking.
11. Saw this somewhere: If your parachute doesn’t open, don’t panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it!
12. Saw a sign outside of an office building which said:”Today’s workshop ‘How To Cope With Disappointment’ has been cancelled.”
13. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
14. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
15. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing, except when at a funeral.
16. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
17. “Yes, I have reservations… but I’ll eat here anyway”

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Life's Instructions for happy and successful life

1. Have a firm handshake.
2. Look people in the eye.
3. Sing in the shower.
4. Own a great stereo system.
5. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
6. Keep secrets.
7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
10. Whistle.
11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.
12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
16. When playing games with ! children, let them win.
17. Give people a second chance, but not a third.
18. Be romantic.
19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for our convenience, not the caller's.
22. Be a good loser.
23. Be a good winner.
24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
27. Keep it simple.
28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
29. Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the
32. things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
33. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
34. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
35. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
36. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
37. Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
38. Once in a while, take the scenic route.
39. Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
40. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
41. Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
42. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
43. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
44. Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
45. Become someone's hero.
46. Marry only for love.
47. Count your blessings.
48. Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
49. Wave at the children on a school bus.
50. Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
51. Don't expect life to be fair.