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Saturday, April 21, 2018

A married man's confession - Joke

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Amazing Animal Fun - Bizarre and Weirdest Pics Ever seen

Amazing Animal Fun











Monday, April 16, 2018

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”
“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.
He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

30+ Hilarious Quotes About Love, From Kids


What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?
“Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tommy, 5)

What Do Most People Do On A Date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two People
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

On What Falling In Love Is Like
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
“If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long to learn.” (Leo, 7)

On The Role Of Good Looks In Love And Romance
“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime.” (Christine, 9)

Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8)

Confidential Opinions About Love
“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when The Simpsons are on TV.” (Anita, 6)
“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)
“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava 8)

Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You
“Tell them you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food,” (Brad, 8)
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say “I Love You”
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

How A Person Learns To Kiss
“You learn it right on the spot, when the gushy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
“It might help if you watched soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…that’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

How To Make Love Endure
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tommy, 7)
“Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8)
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy, 8)

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Three Bills at a bar - Joke


Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then saiys:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

Friday, April 6, 2018

A Manager !!! - A Super Hilarious Joke


A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass
Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Sharing Everything - Old Couple - Joke


An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

 He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

Monday, April 2, 2018

The Scout Leader and Snake !!! - Joke


A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
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