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Showing posts with label job jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job jokes. Show all posts

Thursday, August 15, 2019

A man and his Boots - Awesome Joke


A man and his Boots - Awesome Joke

BELSTAFF RESOLVE WATERPROOF LEATHER BOOTS - BROWN - Urban Rider London

A man always works 3rd shift in construction. He comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then his right to get the mud and dust off. Then he carefully removes the boots, changes and falls asleep tired. Unfortunately the neighbors all hear the boot noise, and one of them asked the man to no longer do it.

The next day he comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then remembered about the noise and carefully removes the right one. He then changes and falls asleep tired.

In the afternoon he meets the neighbor again, and noticed he has puffy eyes. The neighbor, very frustrated said: "we were all waiting for you to slam the other boot so we can go back to sleep!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Always let your boss have the first say.


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”


“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Lucky Postman and an important Management Lesson


A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service. The towns people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a good lunch and $5.

The Postman was very happy and asked "But why the $5"?

Lady: "Actually yesterday I asked my husband what to present you"?

He said "Fuck him,  just give him $5"

"But the lunch was my idea."

MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always give clear instructions ...

Monday, November 5, 2018

Irish Prostitute !! A must read piece


Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Blue Collar Joke


A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”

Friday, August 31, 2018

Funniest Ranchers !! - Epic Cartoon collections

Funniest Ranchers !! - Epic Cartoon collections








Sunday, August 26, 2018

Officer and Rancher !! - A Hilarious Joke


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... 

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

Saturday, August 11, 2018

The New Pianist !! - A hilarious Joke

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist


A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"

John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."

The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"

The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.

The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"

John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."

The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."

So John agrees and starts work that night.

A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.

As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"

John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Canons Roar - A Hilarious Joke


"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts...
"What the fuck was THAT?!"

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end 


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." 
The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Nude British Lady and Chinese Taxi Driver !


Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a naked woman before?"

Chinese Driver: I no look you naked. I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

MORAL:

Be Chinese!
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what!

Monday, January 8, 2018

A Butcher and his last Chicken - Joke

A Butcher and his last Chicken - Joke



A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
“Great!” Says the woman, “I’ll take them both!”

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Blonde got a Job - Hilarious Joke

Blonde got a Job - Hilarious Joke 



A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" says the blonde.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.

"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," the blonde admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

So the blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," she says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Boss.. Boss...


A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"

"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

Monday, February 20, 2017

The Ultimate Rejection Letter

The Ultimate Rejection Letter



Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Fallen - Joke


A person once went for an interview in a very reputed company. While entering the room, he slipped and fell on the ground. Humiliated, one might think. Documents scattered all over the place.

The man picked himself up. And with a smile on his face he spoke out loud, "Finally, I have fallen into right place!".
He was hired the very next moment.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Charges for Love !! - Joke


A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Saturday, December 17, 2016

How long before I can get a haircut? - Joke


A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Mathematicians - This is the way they do it - Joke


A psychologist is doing a study on the different ways in which engineers, physicists, and mathematicians do things. In the first part of the study, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are each taken into a different room, having a table and having a book on the floor, and asked to do a simple task: to move the book from the floor to the table.

The engineer looks at the book, picks it up, and puts it on the table. The physicist looks at the book, calls in her graduate student, and has her graduate student pick up the book and put it on the table. The mathematician looks at the book, does a few calculations, picks it up, and puts it on the table.

In the second part of the study, the three are each taken into a different room, having two tables and having a book on one of the tables, and asked to do another simple task: to move the book from one table to the other. The engineer looks at the book, picks it up, and moves it to the other table. The physicist looks at the book, calls in her graduate student, and has her graduate student pick up the book and move it to the other table. The mathematician, without hesitation, picks up the book, drops it on the floor, and says, "There! I have reduced the problem to one to which a solution is known to exist."

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

A Mathematician and an Engineer - Joke


A mathematician and an engineer are stranded on a desert island. Along with them, are several boxes of canned food. Try as they might, they were unable to bust open of the cans with the rocks that were available. Finally, the engineer decides to explore the rest of the island to try to find food or something to help open the cans.

Several hours later the engineer arrives back at the camp sight to find the mathematician eating a can of peaches, with several empty cans lying around.

"How did you open the cans?" asks the befuddled engineer.

"Easy," says the mathematician. "First, I assumed there was a can opener..."

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