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Showing posts with label pet jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pet jokes. Show all posts

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Three rats in a bar - Joke

Best 10 Pet Rat Cages (2019): Reviews + Buying Guide | Pet Comments


Three rats are relaxing in a bar..
After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says that when he woke up there was a matchbox of ‘Rat-O-Kill’ outside his hole and he ate the whole lot and didn’t feel a thing.
The second rat said that there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. He stepped up, caught the bar on his back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.
At this, the third rat got up and headed for the door.
¨Where are you going? ¨ asked the other two rats.
¨Aw, I’m bored here. I’m going home to shag the cat¨

Monday, August 6, 2018

A Horse in the Bar !!! - Joke


A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says “Give me a beer.” The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner.

“Hey boss” he says, “there’s a horse in the bar asking for a beer.”
The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies “Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don’t know the price of beer.” So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer.

“You know,” says the barkeep, “we don’t get many horses around here.”
To which the horse replies, “At these prices I’m not surprised.”

Monday, February 6, 2017

Making a Puppy - Joke


A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Cat Heaven!


One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You've lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It's wonderful here! Better than I could have ever expected. And those little Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are the best!!!"


Author Unknown

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Does your dog bite? - Joke


A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

Monday, March 23, 2015

A Dog named 'Sex' !!! - Funniest Joke Ever

Dog named 'Sex'

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

  It goes like this:
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said,   'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, "You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.  When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. 
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, " Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.  I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."





Monday, September 8, 2014

The Four Cats !!!!




The Four Cats

 

Four men were bragging about how smart
their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

 
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'

 
T-square pranced over to the desk,
took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

 
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Measure, do your stuff.'

 
Measure got up, walked to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop into the glass.

 
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the
Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'

 
The Government Employee called his cat and said,
'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies..... ..
drank the milk.......
sh-t on the paper.......
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....
put in for Workers' Compensation. ......... .....and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO
WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
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