An Old Man Gets An Urgent Phone Call From His Wife While Driving Home

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"

Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

Funny Pinterest Jokes

The blonde’s dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Casio.

Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’!

Too Late..

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: “Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

At the showcase, hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was really quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.

He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But, people either pushed him away or just ignored him.

In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.

Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"

The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."

Why am I here? - An alcoholic Joke

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Why Don't you study, son?

Why Don't you study, son?

How you got your name? - Joke

A Native American kid asks his dad how he and his siblings got their names. The dad explained "whenever your mom gave birth, I would run outside and the first beautiful thing of nature I saw, that's what we'd name the baby. So when your brother was born I went outside and saw a deer run by, so his name is Running Deer. You know that little stream outside the house? Well that's the first thing I saw after your sister was born, so she's Little Stream.

Now you know how you got your name, Two Dogs Fucking

3 Wishes - Genie and Me

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

Doctor, Doctor.. A hilarious #Joke

Doctor, Doctor.. A hilarious #Joke 

Free Sex Tonight !!!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. 

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" 
I said, "Wow!" 

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Blonde's Flask - Funniest Blonde Joke

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

So she asks him what it's for.

He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself.

The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

Freedom ! - A 1980s American & Russian Joke

Freedom ! - A 1980s American & Russian Joke

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's...


American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

What's up Whatsapp :)

What's up Whatsapp :)

Economics is not that difficult if we have the *Right Examples*.

*Interviewer*: What is Recession? 

*Candidate*: When *Wine & Women* get replaced by *Water & Wife*, 

that critical phase of life is called *Recession*!!😜

*Accountancy fact*:

What is the difference between *Liability* & *Asset*?

A *drunk friend* is *liability*...

But

A *drunk Girlfriend* is an *Asset*....

😜😜😜😜😜

*Law of equality* 💠

The time taken by a wife when she says *I'll get ready in 5 min* is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says *'I'll call u in 5 min*!📞📱

😜😜😜😜

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

I argued👿... She argued👿...

I shouted😡... She shouted😡 and then she cried😭

*Result*: She won by *duckworth lewis* method😱

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

*Chess* is the only game in the world,

which reflects the status of the *husband*.

This *poor king* can take only *one step at a time* ...

While the *mighty queen can do whatever she likes*....

-------------🙋🙆💁🙅

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

All Men are Brave...

Horror Movies don't Scare them....

But *5 Missed Calls from Wife* ..surely does...😝😝😝

One Smart Guy Invented

*WhatsApp*

His Wife Added a feature in it called

*Last Seen At*'😜👌

Thank god she didnt add

*Last Seen With*

😉😝😝--------------------------------------------------------------

Punch Of D Day ....

✨✨👊👊✨✨

Once A Man Asked

God....

Why All Girls Are So *Cute & Sweet*, And All Wives Are *Always Angry*????

*God Answered*: Girls Are Made By Me ... And *You make them Wives*..!!!

*Your Problem*.. !!! 😉

😝

*What's Marriage*?

*Answer* - MARRIAGE Is The *7th Sense Of Humans*

That *Destroys* All The *Six Senses*

And Makes The Person *NON Sense*..!

😜😜😝😝😜😜😝😝

Definition Of *Happy Couple* -

HE Does What *SHE Wants*…

*SHE Does What SHE Wants*......

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜😝

*Wife*: Dear, this computer is not working *as per my command*.

*Husband*: Exactly darling! its a computer, *Not a Husband*...!!

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜😝

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."

- *Shakespear*...

"Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes, Can Shorten ur Life."

- *Shakespear's Wife*

😜😝😜😝😜😝😜

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes.

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes

1. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
3. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
4. Alcoholics don’t run in my family — they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
5. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “some asshole has my pen.”
6. “I have an L-shaped couch… Lower case.”
7. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
8. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
9. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
10. My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the snide bastard was thinking.
11. Saw this somewhere: If your parachute doesn’t open, don’t panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it!
12. Saw a sign outside of an office building which said:”Today’s workshop ‘How To Cope With Disappointment’ has been cancelled.”
13. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
14. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
15. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing, except when at a funeral.
16. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
17. “Yes, I have reservations… but I’ll eat here anyway”

Men - Women - Joke

God created Man,stepped back and said:"Perfect."

Then God created Woman,stepped back and said:

"Hmm, I think this will have to wear make-up!!

3 Times !!! - Joke

Police asked the Thief: Why u went to Steal 3 times in d Same Store?

The thief Replied: Sir, I Stole 1 Dress for my wife & went to Change It Twice!

Women u know.😂

Aiyo Siri Lanka (Sirisena)

A journalist, who was fed up with the Sri Lankan Economy, decided to ask views of President Sirisena on sports instead of Sri Lankan economy. He asked "Dear Mr. President, which game do you like". 

President replied "Cricket". Journalist further asked, which part of Cricket do you like, I mean batting or bowling ? "

The President replied "No, No, I LIKE THE TOSS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MATCH ". Journalist was confused and asked "Why, only toss, Sir". 

President smiled and said " BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY TIME WHEN I SEE OUR RUPEE GOING UP"

Fastest of all

Three fastest means of communication:

1) Tele phone
2) Tele vision
3) *Tell a woman*

Still need faster communication ??

Tell her NOT to Tell anyone !!
(5G)

The radius of Wifi is limited. But radius of *Wife-Eye* is unlimited. 🗣🗣😀😀😀

WhatsApp Jokes

Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged

Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?

(This is called "Positive Thinking" 😄😄)

Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.

Doc :- How come???

Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 😜

(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" 👍)

A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".

(This is self confidence in its peak 😂😂)

This one is classic !!

A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!" 😅😅😅