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Showing posts with label God jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God jokes. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Father Murphy walks into a pub


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Jesus and Paul - "Paul, come to me"

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul


"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. 

Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

Thursday, June 7, 2018

An Engineer in Hell ! - Joke



An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

"Welcome to my domain!" Satan says, with a malicious grin and a nod to the lava pools and torture devices. "I hope it's to your liking."

"It's alright," the engineer says. "But it could do with some improvements. I'd be happy to help if you give me good treatment."

"What kind of improvements are we talking about?" Satan asks.

And so over the next few months, the engineer undertakes a comprehensive programme of refurbishment. He installs escalators, flushing toilets, motion-activated lighting and air conditioning. Satan is delighted with his work.

One day, God comes down to Hell (as he does every so often to check how things are going). He's shocked to see the changes that have been made and demands an explanation. Satan tells him all about the engineer.

"This isn't fair," God says. "I should get to use his services as well. If he helps me out, I'll let him in to Heaven."

"You can't do that," Satan says. "He's mine. We agreed that people went to either Heaven or Hell. I'm not letting you have him."

"Fine," God says. "I'll sue to be released from our agreement."

"Good luck with that," Satan says. "Not even God can find a good lawyer in Heaven."

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Where is Jesus ? - Joke


A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Cat Heaven!


One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You've lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It's wonderful here! Better than I could have ever expected. And those little Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are the best!!!"


Author Unknown

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Men - Women - Joke


God created Man,stepped back and said:"Perfect."
Then God created Woman,stepped back and said:
"Hmm, I think this will have to wear make-up!!

Friday, September 9, 2016

God is an Engineer? - Joke


Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have even come up with that."

The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

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