Management Consultantancy !!

 Management Consultantancy

There was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver,

a man dressed in an Armani suit,

Cerutti shoes,

Ray-Ban sunglasses,

TAG-Heuer wrist watch,

& a Pierre Cardin tie

gets out and asks the shepherd,

'If I can tell you how many sheep you have,

will you give me one of them?'

The shepherd looks at

the young man,

then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies,

'Okay.'

The young man parks the car,

connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,

enters a NASA Website,

scans the ground using his GPS,

opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot

tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech

mini-printer,

turns to the shepherd and says,

‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'.

The shepherd cheers,

"That's correct,

you can have your choicest sheep from the herd".

'The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks,

'If I guess your profession,

will you return my animal to me?'

The young man laughed and answers,

'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says,

'You are a MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT.'

'How did you know?'

asks the young man.

'Very simple,'

answers the shepherd.

1. First,

you came here without being wanted.

2. Second,

you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.

3. Third,

you don't understand anything about my business.

Now, *May I please have my DOG back? "*

My Girl friend's sister - A story with Moral

My Girl friend's sister - A story with Moral

A moral joke, finally!

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'

''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

Pin drop silence in the class !!

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"

Three rats in a bar - Joke

Three rats are relaxing in a bar..

After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says that when he woke up there was a matchbox of ‘Rat-O-Kill’ outside his hole and he ate the whole lot and didn’t feel a thing.

The second rat said that there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. He stepped up, caught the bar on his back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise.

At this, the third rat got up and headed for the door.

¨Where are you going? ¨ asked the other two rats.

¨Aw, I’m bored here. I’m going home to shag the cat¨

An Old Man Gets An Urgent Phone Call From His Wife While Driving Home

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"

Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

That's not going to help !!

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, tucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

January Jokes

January Jokes 

A Buddhist who wanted a Hotdog !!

A Buddhist who wanted a Hotdog !!

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

A man goes to an ice sculpture showcase...

At the showcase, hundreds of people were milling around admiring the works of art. But for some reason, everyone was really quiet and only whispering. The man, being a talkative and social guy, did not like this so he tried to change the mood.

He went around to different groups of people and tried to strike up a conversation with some of them. But, people either pushed him away or just ignored him.

In a fit of frustration, he grabbed the nearest ice sculpture and smashed it on the ground. Amazingly, it didn't shatter. The man started stomping on it. Again, the ice sculpture didn't even crack a bit. Enraged, the man threw everything he got at it, punching, kicking and stomping. Somehow, the ice sculpture still remained intact.

Around him, people were horrified. An old lady called out "What are you doing! That's my sculpture!"

The man looked around, embarrassed "Oh, I was just trying to break the ice."

I had a threesome last night..

Man: Father, I have sinned. I had a threesome last night....

It was with two, beautiful, gorgeous young women who did everything I wanted and kept coming back for more, all night long.

Priest: son, although you did a bad thing outside of marriage, you are forgiven.

Man: I don't want forgiveness...

Priest: then why are you telling me?

Man: I'm telling EVERYONE!

DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide.  Just get a divorce!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription... "
😝😜😂😆😆😆😆

Why am I here? - An alcoholic Joke

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Irish Prostitute !! A must read piece

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception

He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

There must be a simple explanation - A killer Joke this !!

This is a killer joke...

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened.???", she asks anxiously.

"What happened.!!!
I'll tell you what happened......
I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her i was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our bed room.
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the E-mail"

A Jerusalem Joke !!

Husband and wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"

Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day...

why take unnecessary risk......!!!

MI5, CIA and KGB !! - The Best Joke of The Decade

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition.

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big German forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.

First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. "We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."

Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. "We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.

Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."

A Mormon and An Irish - Awesome Joke

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Hanging Out !! - A woman and a Cop - Joke

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"