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Wednesday, November 14, 2018

A Truck Driver, Lawyer and Priest !! - Funniest Story of 2018


A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) 

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." 

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." 

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Monday, November 12, 2018

Lawyers and sandwiches !!

Lawyers and sandwiches !!


Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Why am I here? - An alcoholic Joke


An alcoholic wakes up in jail.


He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

Monday, November 5, 2018

Irish Prostitute !! A must read piece


Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Blue Collar Joke


A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”

Thursday, November 1, 2018

November the beautiful month is here

November the beautiful month is here 





Happy November from Peanuts

Happy November from Peanuts 


Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Jesus and Paul - "Paul, come to me"

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul


"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. 

Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

Monday, October 29, 2018

Little Johnny - Definitely


The teacher asks the class if anyone could use "definitely" correctly in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher replies "Well grass can be green, but can also be brown. Anyone else?"

Little Stephanie raises her hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies "Well the sky can be blue, but can also be gray. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand again and asks "Are farts lumpy?"

The teacher replies "No Little Johnny, and that doesn't have the word "definitely" in it."

Little Johnny says, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Thursday, October 25, 2018

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception


He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

This simple trick prevents the traffic police from ever giving you a speeding ticket again - Best Tip ever

Every year hundreds get caught in police speed controls for driving too fast — with a great many caught by automatic speed cameras.
But did you know there’s a way to avoid the hefty fines that come along with speeding?
Online site, finddetbilligt.dk, has come up with a trick that means you never have to worry about getting caught speeding again!
It is absolutely brilliant. Best of all, the method works internationally, in every country in the world.


Here’s how to cleverly avoid speeding fines
1. Look closely at the signs on the road that show you the speed limit. The number indicated is the maximum speed you can travel. Whether you’re on foot, bike or car.
2. Try to locate your car’s speedometer. You normally find it somewhere in front of the driver’s seat, on the dashboard. It has an arrow pointing to the number that reflects the car’s speed. On newer cars, the speed is sometimes displayed digitally, with numbers.


3. This last point is also the hardest. Adjust your speed according to the number shown on the road sign. The police can not fine you if you do not drive over this number.
Strangely, there seem to be surprisingly too few who are aware of this simple yet genius trick. And best of all, if you stick to it, you’ll never have to pay a speeding fine ever again. Even better — the road will become much safer for everyone!

Monday, October 22, 2018

There must be a simple explanation - A killer Joke this !!

This is a killer joke...



A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened.???", she asks anxiously.

"What happened.!!!
I'll tell you what happened......
I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her i was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our bed room.
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the E-mail"

πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Friday, October 19, 2018

Pipe Owls - Young Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2018 - Winner announced

Young Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2018 - Winner announced

Arshdeep Singh(10 years) from Punjab, India has won the Award for his photograph ‘Pipe Owls. The award ceremony was held at the Natural History Museum, London, last Tuesday.
Pipe Owls - While driving with his father through the city, Arshdeep saw a bird disappearing into an old waste-pipe. He asked to stop the car, then primed his father’s camera and telephoto lens, kneeling up on the seat and resting it on the half-open window at eye-level. It wasn’t long before a spotted owlet emerged, followed by a second. Both stared right at him.

Spotted owlets traditionally nest in tree hollows, where the female lays up to five eggs. Although common in the Punjab, these small birds are rarely seen in the day, as they are nocturnal. This breeding pair – the larger female on the left – is among those using urban nesting sites following widespread deforestation in the region.
Technical specification - Nikon D500 + 500mm f4 lens;1/1600 sec at f4 (-0.7 e/v); ISO 450


Wednesday, October 17, 2018

A London Lawyer and Sexy Lady - An awesome Joke


Once a Lawyer was travelling by train from Liverpool to Manchester.

When the train started, He was traveling alone in the business class.

Some time later, a Very Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat!
The Lawyer was pleasantly HappyπŸ™‚

The lady kept smiling at him...
This made him even Happier ☺️☺️

Then she went and sat next to him....
he was bubbling with Joy😊😍�

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear...

"Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me , else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
The Lawyer stared blankly at her πŸ™„

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I am sorry, I can not hear or speak... Please write on this paper whatever you want to say"

The lady wrote everything that she said earlier and gave it back to him!

The Lawyer took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket...
got up and told her in clear tones...
*Now shout & scream !!*

Moral of the story :

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

World Food Day 2018 !! - What can I do to help achieve #ZeroHunger?

World Food Day 2018 !! - What can I do to help achieve #ZeroHunger?

DON'T WASTE FOOD

If you have leftovers, freeze them for later, or use them as an ingredient in another meal. When you eat at a restaurant, ask for half a portion if you’re not feeling too hungry, or take your leftovers home.


 PRODUCE MORE, WITH LESS

With a growing population expected to reach in 9 billion in 2050, farmers should find new, more productive ways to farm food and diversify their crops. Using an integrated farming approach will not only help farmers increase their crops’ yield, and thus their profits, but can also improve the quality of their farmland.

ADOPT A MORE HEALTHY AND SUSTAINABLE DIET

Life is fast-paced and trying to fit in preparing nutritious meals can be a challenge if you don't know how. Nutritious meals don't have to be elaborate. In reality, they can be cooked in a quick and easy way while using only a few ingredients. Share your quick nutritious recipes with your family, friends, colleagues and online. Follow sustainable chefs and bloggers online to learn new recipes or talk to your local farmer to see how they cook their produce at home.


 ADVOCATE FOR #ZEROHUNGER!

Everyone has a role to play in achieving #ZeroHunger, but countries, institutions and people need to work together to reach this goal. Establish ZeroHunger partnerships, share knowledge and resources, develop innovative strategies and discover new opportunities to contribute to the fight against hunger. Raise the topic with your local and national authorities, promote related educational programs in your community and amplify the #ZeroHunger message through your network.

http://www.fao.org

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Monday, October 8, 2018

Who Said that? - Awesome Joke



The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Friday, October 5, 2018

Choosing their Dates !! - A Super Joke



A middle age Guy and his Wife, after a big fight mutually decided to make a list of 5 People whom they're allowed to Sleep with if they ever got the opportunity.


She picked
1. Brad Pitt,
2. Hrithik Roshan,
3. Chris Hemsworth,
4. George Clooney
5. Arnold schwarzenegger

He picked
1. Her Sister,
2. Her cousin
3. Wife's Best Friend,
4. their Neighbour's Wife and
5. their Son's Tuition Teacher.

Men are simple like that, they always set Achievable Goals !!!

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Most Romantic 55 Good Morning Messages For Wife



1. “I don’t care whether my morning coffee is a cappuccino, latte, or a mocha. My favorite coffee is the one that I share with you. Good morning, my love.”


2. “Our marriage is the best proof that TRUE LOVE exists, and you are the best proof that PERFECT WIFE is not a myth. Good morning.”
3. “There may be many beautiful girls but not as you, the day you entered my life my whole world was filled with happiness. You always stood by my side and now I promise you that I will shower you with all my love and time.”

4. “The sun doesn’t rise in the east, it rises right next to me in my bed. Good morning, sunshine.”


[ Read: Love Messages For Wife ]

5. “Every day I wake up and choose to be happy, because you give me a reason to. Good morning, my love!”

6. “I always wanted you as my wife, just like how my heart always needed you as its life. Good morning, dear!”


7. “Our marriage gives me a reason to succeed, a reason to work harder, a reason to face challenges, a reason to smile, and a reason to be alive. Good morning, sweetheart!”

8. “The only hashtag trending in my life, right now and forever, is #YOU. Good morning!”

9. “Life is never perfect. It is full of twists and turns which throw up challenges and problems. But it is all worth because the first thing I see when I wake up are your beautiful eyes. Good morning!”

10. “Every morning I am reminded of my life’s best decision – marrying the most beautiful woman in the world. Good morning, sweetheart!”

11. “Every morning I wake up to the thought of having a beautiful wife and a loving family. I feel thankful for getting more than I could have asked for. I don’t mind if time pauses right now for eternity. Good morning.”

12. “Every morning I feel thankful for two beautiful things – my life and my wife. Good morning.”

13. “My love is not blind, but I am blinded by your sheer beauty. Good morning, baby.”

14. “I may not be a knight in shining armor, but I will always be there to do the best I can. Good morning, my pretty princess!”

15. “We’re supposed to wake up and count our blessings each day. I’ve got it really easy… I just roll over and look at your sweet face.”


16. “Although we are rushed in the morning, I want to take a moment to tell you how much it means to me to see your face when I open my eyes.”


17. “Good morning, honey. Thanks for helping me get out of the house on time, even though I didn’t want to leave you. You’re the best!”

18. “My dear wife, you are my happiness which gives me peace, you are my life which gives me comfort. You are the key to my success. Good morning, my cute wife.

19. “I love you so much, sweetheart, I just don’t know where to start. Maybe because my love for you is like the sunrise, every day it is a new prize. Good morning.”

20. “Every morning I wake up to realize that my life is not ordinary, because I have a wife who is extraordinary. Good morning”.

21. “I always thought that our wedding would be the most beautiful memory of my life but I was wrong. Every day of our marriage is becoming a more beautiful memory.”

22. “Life is never perfect. It is full of twists and turns, and challenges and problems. But it is all worth it because the first thing I see when I wake up is the romantic look in your beautiful eyes. Good morning.”

23. “As the cool morning breeze blows and you open your beautiful eyes, let my unblemished love put a soothing smile on your pretty face. Good morning, darling.”

24. “It takes only a second for me to think of you every morning, but the soothing smile you put on my face lasts through the day. Your smile is my inspiration. Your voice is my motivation. Your love is my happiness. I love you, dear. Good morning!”

25. “Amidst the suffocation caused by life’s problems, your love comes as a breath of fresh air. Love you, my darling!”



26. “Your smile is the only sunshine I need. Good morning!”


27. “Every morning I wake up to my life’s biggest truth – my love for you. Good morning, my love!”

28. “I don’t care whether it’s day or night, as long as I have my beautiful wife in my sight. Good morning!”

29. “Your smile is the only inspiration I need. Your voice is the only motivation I need. Your love is the only happiness I need. Good morning!”

30. “Sweetheart I am right behind you, I support you and I want all your dreams to come true. Good morning. I love you.”

31. “I love gazing at my wife in the morning. Because I know that her eyes hold the key to my future. Good morning.”

32. “Got your coffee and newspaper? Then all that’s missing is my kiss. Good morning!”

33. “I wish I could always be beside you and look into your cute eyes. I would brush my fingers through your hair, as you smile looking at me. Good morning!”

34. “Good morning babe. Just letting you know that no matter what happens, I will love you more than anything else in the world.”

35. “If life is a book and every day a new page, let the first words for today be ‘I love you’ from me to you.”


36. “A million things get me down every day, but every morning I need only one reason to go through it all again – you. Good morning!”

37. “Can’t believe you are not here next to me, but thank God for mobile phones, eh! Good morning, sweetheart!”

38. “I am sending you lots of hugs and kisses wrapped in the warmth of love to say “good morning”. Have a wonderful day!”

39. “I feel like the luckiest person alive knowing that I have someone as amazing as you in my life. Good morning, my love!”


40. “Do you know how good it feels to wake up every day
And know that you are mine
And I am yours?
Good Morning and Love You.”

41. “A smile to start your day,
A prayer to bless your way.
A song to lighten your burden
A message to wish you good day
Good Morning!

42. “With a sweet smile on your face,
And, a cup of coffee in your hand,
All that remains is a good morning message from me.
Have a great morning!”

43. “Wake up, sweetheart!
It’s time to embrace the new day.
Welcome happiness and success,
Good morning!”

44. “My beautiful wife,
Have I ever confessed
That you look so pretty in the morning
That I cannot stop looking at you,
Good morning!”

45. “You are the light of my world,
The music for my heart and
The first thought of my day.
Good Morning, my dear.”


46. “My heart knew that we are meant to be
And my mind is filled with joyThe day you came in my life
You made it complete in every way
And, I just want to say
That you are the reason I am alive!
A very good morning to you!”


47. “There is a reason why I love you so much
There is a reason why I want your touch
A reason why I love your company
A reason why I want you to see
That I cannot live without you
That I truly love you, my love
Wishing you a good morning!”

48. “You look so pretty early in the day
Your smile gives me a reason
That makes me say
Good morning, my pretty wife
You are my life!”

49. “Mornings will come
Then they will go
But I will always be there
I hope you know

50. “The sun will rise
It will go down too
But I will always
Be there for you
Good Morning.”


51. “Nothing makes me sad anymore
Nothing puts me down
Nothing makes me upset
Nothing makes me frown
To make me feel low
Nothing has the power
For I wake up every morning
Thinking of our life together.”

52. “Everyday brings so much more,
To look forward to flying high,
Every moment brings so much delight,
Just being with you makes everything feel right.”

53. “You and I,
Welcome the new day with smile.
We embrace the joy and happiness
And, enjoy our day to the fullest!
Have a great day!
Good morning!”

54. “The beauty of your eyes grows more with the radiance of the morning sun.
So let us wait for the light to shine
As I see my bright future in your sparkling eyes.
Good morning, darling!”

55. “No matter how gloomy the night is,
the best morning always bring my princess’ sweetest kiss.
Sharing this cup of coffee with you
was the dream of my dreams coming true.
Good morning, baby!”

Monday, September 24, 2018

A Jerusalem Joke !!


Husband and wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"

Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day...

why take unnecessary risk......!!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

MI5, CIA and KGB !! - The Best Joke of The Decade

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition.

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big German forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.

First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. "We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."

Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. "We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.

Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."
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