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Showing posts with label Really funny jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Really funny jokes. Show all posts

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Stacey and Jim !


A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.

“Hello there and what is your name?” “Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.”

“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?” “Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!”

At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk and asks, “Is this your brother?” “No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. “Is it your husband?” Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” “Then, it must be your boyfriend!” Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!” “Then, who is it?”

Stacey replies, “That’s me before my operation!”

Saturday, March 23, 2019

The blonde’s dogs


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Casio.
Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’!

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Jesus and Paul - "Paul, come to me"

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul


"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. 

Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

Friday, September 7, 2018

Hanging Out !! - A woman and a Cop - Joke


A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

Friday, August 17, 2018

Blondes Are Not Stupid !!


10,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.


The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 10,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 10,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 10,000 blondes begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 10,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

How you got your name? - Joke


A Native American kid asks his dad how he and his siblings got their names. The dad explained "whenever your mom gave birth, I would run outside and the first beautiful thing of nature I saw, that's what we'd name the baby. So when your brother was born I went outside and saw a deer run by, so his name is Running Deer. You know that little stream outside the house? Well that's the first thing I saw after your sister was born, so she's Little Stream.

Now you know how you got your name, Two Dogs Fucking

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end 


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." 
The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Nude British Lady and Chinese Taxi Driver !


Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi. Chinese Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

British Lady asks,
"Haven't u seen a naked woman before?"

Chinese Driver: I no look you naked. I plenty frightened. I look look. Where you keep money pay me?

MORAL:

Be Chinese!
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what!

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Sri Lankans are the Best in the World !!



Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?
China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question's wrong.
UK: Not found on the Internet.
 
Lankan:  F(IV)E

This is the reason you find Sri Lankans everywhere in the world...
in finance, business, medicine, engineering....
anything to do with using your brain.

British: Can u Swim?
Lankan: No
British:  Then a Dog is Better than you because It Swims.
Lankan: Can you Swim?
British: Yes!
Lankan: Then What's the Difference between you and the Dog…

British Shocked, Sri lankan Rocks! πŸ‘ 😜 πŸ˜‚ . . .

Britisher : WHY are you Sri lankans differ in colors, look we are all white..?
Lankans: Horses are in different colors but donkeys r all the same..!

Friday, August 11, 2017

Winston Churchill - A Fool ?

Winston Churchill - A Fool ?


During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
πŸ‘

Thats the real sense of Humour..πŸ‘ŒπŸΌπŸ˜

Monday, July 31, 2017

One Reason To Buy A Painting

One Reason To Buy A Painting


At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”

Saturday, June 3, 2017

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes.

17 Of The Greatest One-Line Jokes



  1. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
  2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  3. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
  4. Alcoholics don’t run in my family — they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
  5. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “some asshole has my pen.”
  6. “I have an L-shaped couch… Lower case.”
  7. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it.
  8. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
  9. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
  10. My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the snide bastard was thinking.
  11. Saw this somewhere: If your parachute doesn’t open, don’t panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it!
  12. Saw a sign outside of an office building which said:”Today’s workshop ‘How To Cope With Disappointment’ has been cancelled.”
  13. What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
  14. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
  15. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing, except when at a funeral.
  16. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
  17. “Yes, I have reservations… but I’ll eat here anyway”

Monday, September 5, 2016

WhatsApp Jokes


Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called "Positive Thinking" πŸ˜„πŸ˜„)
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 😜
(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" πŸ‘)

A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".
(This is self confidence in its peak πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

This one is classic !!
A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it : "Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!" πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Does your dog bite? - Joke


A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"

The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Suicide with knife - Joke


Two friends communicating 

1st friend: Why are you heating the knife.

2st friend: To do suicide.

1st friend: But why are you heating it?

2st friend: To prevent infection.

Monday, March 23, 2015

A Dog named 'Sex' !!! - Funniest Joke Ever

Dog named 'Sex'

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

  It goes like this:
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said,   'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, "You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.  When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. 
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, " Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.  I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."





Thursday, March 12, 2015

A young nurse - Funniest Joke

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' 

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Sunday, January 25, 2015

A 70 year old and Sperm Test - Joke

A 70 year old man went for a Sperm Test. The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.

The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand and right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands and  mouth. Then the neighbor's wife and daughter tried the same way..                                                                                                                   

But could not open the damn Bottle....!!

I respect ur thinking But have I ever shared any Dirty jokes here?

Friday, November 21, 2014

Height of Corporate Torture

Height of Corporate Torture

A COMPANY employee went to TOILET.
As he sat on the seat, on the front wall was written:

"Had you put the same pressure at work, company's targets would have been achieved today"


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

"You must be single." - Joke

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

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