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Showing posts with label hilarious joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hilarious joke. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception


He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Friday, October 5, 2018

Choosing their Dates !! - A Super Joke



A middle age Guy and his Wife, after a big fight mutually decided to make a list of 5 People whom they're allowed to Sleep with if they ever got the opportunity.


She picked
1. Brad Pitt,
2. Hrithik Roshan,
3. Chris Hemsworth,
4. George Clooney
5. Arnold schwarzenegger

He picked
1. Her Sister,
2. Her cousin
3. Wife's Best Friend,
4. their Neighbour's Wife and
5. their Son's Tuition Teacher.

Men are simple like that, they always set Achievable Goals !!!

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Officer and Rancher !! - A Hilarious Joke


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... 

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

Monday, April 16, 2018

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”
“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.
He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Canons Roar - A Hilarious Joke


"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts...
"What the fuck was THAT?!"

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

How a Sri Lankan got White House Painting Contract !!!


Donald Trump wants the white house painted!
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Srilankan guy quoted 10 million.



Trump asked Chinese guy how did you quote?
He said:
1 million for paint
1 million for labour
1 million profit.

He asked European..
He said : 
3 million for paint
2 million for labour
2 million profit.

He asked Srilankan..
 Sri Lankan said:
4 million for me
3 million for you
3 million will give it to the Chinese guy to paint.

Sri Lankan got the painting contract ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Thursday, June 9, 2016

One Awesome Joke via Whatsapp


One day an ✈aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilots’ cockpit when he saw a ๐Ÿ“•book entitled “How to fly an aeroplane✈ for beginners. Volume One”.
๐Ÿ˜Š
He opened the first page which said, “To start the engine, press the ๐Ÿ”ดred button.”. He did so and the airplane engine started.
๐ŸŽบ
He was happy and opened the next page. “To set airplane moving press the blue๐Ÿ”ต button.”
He did so and the ✈aeroplane started moving at an amazing speed.
๐ŸŽท
He wanted to fly so he opened the third page which read, “To let the aeroplane fly, please press the ♻green button.”
He did this and the plane started to ✈✈✈fly.
He was excited!!!๐ŸŒป
After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land so he decided to go to the fourth page.
๐Ÿ
He fainted ๐Ÿ˜ฑafter reading the instruction.. ๐ŸŽฏ
The fourth page read, “To learn how to land, please purchase Volume Two at the nearest bookshop!!!!๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜†
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