Custom Search

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Jesus and Paul - "Paul, come to me"

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul


"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. 

Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

Monday, October 29, 2018

Little Johnny - Definitely


The teacher asks the class if anyone could use "definitely" correctly in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher replies "Well grass can be green, but can also be brown. Anyone else?"

Little Stephanie raises her hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies "Well the sky can be blue, but can also be gray. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand again and asks "Are farts lumpy?"

The teacher replies "No Little Johnny, and that doesn't have the word "definitely" in it."

Little Johnny says, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Thursday, October 25, 2018

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception


He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

This simple trick prevents the traffic police from ever giving you a speeding ticket again - Best Tip ever

Every year hundreds get caught in police speed controls for driving too fast — with a great many caught by automatic speed cameras.
But did you know there’s a way to avoid the hefty fines that come along with speeding?
Online site, finddetbilligt.dk, has come up with a trick that means you never have to worry about getting caught speeding again!
It is absolutely brilliant. Best of all, the method works internationally, in every country in the world.


Here’s how to cleverly avoid speeding fines
1. Look closely at the signs on the road that show you the speed limit. The number indicated is the maximum speed you can travel. Whether you’re on foot, bike or car.
2. Try to locate your car’s speedometer. You normally find it somewhere in front of the driver’s seat, on the dashboard. It has an arrow pointing to the number that reflects the car’s speed. On newer cars, the speed is sometimes displayed digitally, with numbers.


3. This last point is also the hardest. Adjust your speed according to the number shown on the road sign. The police can not fine you if you do not drive over this number.
Strangely, there seem to be surprisingly too few who are aware of this simple yet genius trick. And best of all, if you stick to it, you’ll never have to pay a speeding fine ever again. Even better — the road will become much safer for everyone!

Monday, October 22, 2018

There must be a simple explanation - A killer Joke this !!

This is a killer joke...



A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened.???", she asks anxiously.

"What happened.!!!
I'll tell you what happened......
I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her i was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our bed room.
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the E-mail"

πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Friday, October 19, 2018

Pipe Owls - Young Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2018 - Winner announced

Young Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2018 - Winner announced

Arshdeep Singh(10 years) from Punjab, India has won the Award for his photograph ‘Pipe Owls. The award ceremony was held at the Natural History Museum, London, last Tuesday.
Pipe Owls - While driving with his father through the city, Arshdeep saw a bird disappearing into an old waste-pipe. He asked to stop the car, then primed his father’s camera and telephoto lens, kneeling up on the seat and resting it on the half-open window at eye-level. It wasn’t long before a spotted owlet emerged, followed by a second. Both stared right at him.

Spotted owlets traditionally nest in tree hollows, where the female lays up to five eggs. Although common in the Punjab, these small birds are rarely seen in the day, as they are nocturnal. This breeding pair – the larger female on the left – is among those using urban nesting sites following widespread deforestation in the region.
Technical specification - Nikon D500 + 500mm f4 lens;1/1600 sec at f4 (-0.7 e/v); ISO 450


Wednesday, October 17, 2018

A London Lawyer and Sexy Lady - An awesome Joke


Once a Lawyer was travelling by train from Liverpool to Manchester.

When the train started, He was traveling alone in the business class.

Some time later, a Very Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat!
The Lawyer was pleasantly HappyπŸ™‚

The lady kept smiling at him...
This made him even Happier ☺️☺️

Then she went and sat next to him....
he was bubbling with Joy😊😍�

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear...

"Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me , else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
The Lawyer stared blankly at her πŸ™„

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I am sorry, I can not hear or speak... Please write on this paper whatever you want to say"

The lady wrote everything that she said earlier and gave it back to him!

The Lawyer took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket...
got up and told her in clear tones...
*Now shout & scream !!*

Moral of the story :

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

World Food Day 2018 !! - What can I do to help achieve #ZeroHunger?

World Food Day 2018 !! - What can I do to help achieve #ZeroHunger?

DON'T WASTE FOOD

If you have leftovers, freeze them for later, or use them as an ingredient in another meal. When you eat at a restaurant, ask for half a portion if you’re not feeling too hungry, or take your leftovers home.


 PRODUCE MORE, WITH LESS

With a growing population expected to reach in 9 billion in 2050, farmers should find new, more productive ways to farm food and diversify their crops. Using an integrated farming approach will not only help farmers increase their crops’ yield, and thus their profits, but can also improve the quality of their farmland.

ADOPT A MORE HEALTHY AND SUSTAINABLE DIET

Life is fast-paced and trying to fit in preparing nutritious meals can be a challenge if you don't know how. Nutritious meals don't have to be elaborate. In reality, they can be cooked in a quick and easy way while using only a few ingredients. Share your quick nutritious recipes with your family, friends, colleagues and online. Follow sustainable chefs and bloggers online to learn new recipes or talk to your local farmer to see how they cook their produce at home.


 ADVOCATE FOR #ZEROHUNGER!

Everyone has a role to play in achieving #ZeroHunger, but countries, institutions and people need to work together to reach this goal. Establish ZeroHunger partnerships, share knowledge and resources, develop innovative strategies and discover new opportunities to contribute to the fight against hunger. Raise the topic with your local and national authorities, promote related educational programs in your community and amplify the #ZeroHunger message through your network.

http://www.fao.org

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Monday, October 8, 2018

Who Said that? - Awesome Joke



The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Friday, October 5, 2018

Choosing their Dates !! - A Super Joke



A middle age Guy and his Wife, after a big fight mutually decided to make a list of 5 People whom they're allowed to Sleep with if they ever got the opportunity.


She picked
1. Brad Pitt,
2. Hrithik Roshan,
3. Chris Hemsworth,
4. George Clooney
5. Arnold schwarzenegger

He picked
1. Her Sister,
2. Her cousin
3. Wife's Best Friend,
4. their Neighbour's Wife and
5. their Son's Tuition Teacher.

Men are simple like that, they always set Achievable Goals !!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Hit Leap

Traffic Exchange
Share/Save/Bookmark