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Showing posts with label American jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label American jokes. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Donald Trump as Titanic Ship's Captain

Donald Trump as Titanic Ship's Captain


Friday, May 10, 2019

Two Americans Go To Church In France

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.



"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"
"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"

The first guy thinks of a solution. "We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.

"We're well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.

The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."
"Yes," replied the other American.

"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."


Tuesday, April 16, 2019

African immigrants in United States - Joke


Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

MI5, CIA and KGB !! - The Best Joke of The Decade

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition.

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big German forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.

First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. "We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."

Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. "We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.

Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."

Friday, August 31, 2018

Funniest Ranchers !! - Epic Cartoon collections

Funniest Ranchers !! - Epic Cartoon collections








Sunday, August 26, 2018

Officer and Rancher !! - A Hilarious Joke


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull...... 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... 

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

How you got your name? - Joke


A Native American kid asks his dad how he and his siblings got their names. The dad explained "whenever your mom gave birth, I would run outside and the first beautiful thing of nature I saw, that's what we'd name the baby. So when your brother was born I went outside and saw a deer run by, so his name is Running Deer. You know that little stream outside the house? Well that's the first thing I saw after your sister was born, so she's Little Stream.

Now you know how you got your name, Two Dogs Fucking

Saturday, May 12, 2018

US HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 !!!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California 


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. 


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. 



Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. 


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica 
. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 



Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 


Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.


Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 



Massachusetts
executes last remaining conservative. 


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 



Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. 



New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 


Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 


Now, share this with whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very, very scared.


I Love This Country! 


It's The Government That Scares Me!
 


Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Three Bills at a bar - Joke


Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then saiys:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? - Read till the end 


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." 
The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Monday, January 22, 2018

Killed a Pig !! - Trump Joke


President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Kim Jong Un is an Idiot - Donald Trump find out !! - Awesome Joke


Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:
“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”

His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:

“What an idiot!…

There is no sun at night!”

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Freedom ! - A 1980s American & Russian Joke

Freedom ! - A 1980s American & Russian Joke



An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's...


American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

Friday, January 5, 2018

Kim Jong Un - Donald Trump - Buttons !

Kim Jong Un - Donald Trump - Buttons  !


Wednesday, December 7, 2016

How a Sri Lankan got White House Painting Contract !!!


Donald Trump wants the white house painted!
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Srilankan guy quoted 10 million.



Trump asked Chinese guy how did you quote?
He said:
1 million for paint
1 million for labour
1 million profit.

He asked European..
He said : 
3 million for paint
2 million for labour
2 million profit.

He asked Srilankan..
 Sri Lankan said:
4 million for me
3 million for you
3 million will give it to the Chinese guy to paint.

Sri Lankan got the painting contract 😜😜👌😊😃😃

Monday, November 21, 2016

Trump, Modi and Women !!!

Trump, Modi and Women !!!



Thursday, November 10, 2016

Trump's first day in White House

*Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.*


First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!

😂😂

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Free Food and wine !!! - Joke


An American man walked into a restaurant in London. As soon as he entered, he noticed an African man sitting in the corner.
So he walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! I am buying food for everyone in this restaurant, except that black African guy over there!"
So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food to everyone in the restaurant, except the African.
However, instead of becoming upset, the African simply looked up at the American and shouted, "Thank you!" That infuriated the man. So once again, the American took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!" So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, once again, instead of becoming angry, the African simply smiled at the American man and shouted, "Thank you!"
That made the American man furious. So he leaned over on the counter and said to the waiter, "What is wrong with that African man? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except him, but instead of becoming angry, he just sits there and smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is he mad?"
The waiter smiled at the American and said, "No, he is not mad. He is the owner of this restaurant.
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