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Showing posts with label family jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family jokes. Show all posts

Monday, April 20, 2020

A moral joke, finally!

Joke: And the Moral Is ... | Children Jokes and School Jokes


The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
Pin drop silence in the class !!
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

A shopping - Husband and wife - Awesome Joke


Husband and wife went shopping to get new dresses for the wife.
After seeing numerous dresses, she shortlisted around 100 and further brought it down to 25.
Out of these, she asked her husband to choose 5 dresses among them.
Then she finally picked up one dress.
It took 5 hours to finalise one dress.
The husband settled the bill and commented :
"Adam was very lucky because he and Eve used to wear only leaves. He need not have wasted too much of time."
Ultimate comment of wife :
"Who knows how many trees Adam had to climb and finally choose the leaves as per the wish of Eve. You are lucky u have to just sit in AC shop..."

Moral : Never argue with a woman while shopping.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Charlie or Clark ? - Dad the Baby sitter #Joke


My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "What about Clark?"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "7:30"

Me: "And Clark dad?"

Dad: "Also 7:30"

Me: "If the answers are the same, why are you telling me them separately?"

Dad: "Well, I was the one looking after Charlie".

Me: "oh, who was looking after Clark then?"

Dad: "Me".

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Why Don't you study, son?

Why Don't you study, son?


Friday, May 18, 2018

Father, Son and Explanation of System - An Awesome Joke


A Son comes home from school and tells his father : "Dad, we are learning about our system in school, but I don't think I really got it, can you explain it to me?" 

The father answers: "Sure, imagine it like this: I bring home the money, so I'm the capital. Your mom spends the money, so she is the government. Granpa, is the unions, because he checks if everything is going the right way. Anna, the girl that lives with us and cleans the house is the working class. And we are all doing it for you. You are the citizens. And your baby brother is the future." The son is a bit sceptical and says: "I think I will have to sleep a night over it."

In the middle of the night the boy is woken up by the crying of his little brother who has shit his diapers, so he goes to the parents room. There he only finds his mother and she sleeps so tight that he can't wake her up. So he goes to Anna's room where the father is having sex with the girl and the grandfather is watching through the window. He decides to go back to sleep.

The next morning at the breakfast table the father asks the son: "Have you understood what I told you?" "I think so" the son said "The capital screws the working class, the unions are watching, the government sleeps, the citizens are ignored and the future is lying in shit!"

Monday, April 16, 2018

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”
“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.
He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Sharing Everything - Old Couple - Joke


An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink.

 He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Phone Bill - A damn Good joke

Phone Bill - A damn Good joke  

πŸ‘‡


The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜†

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Men Will Be Men !!!


One day a woman wanted to know how the husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. 
So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore and after writing she put the letter on the table in the bedroom and then hid under the bed...
When the husband came back home, saw the letter and read it, he replied on the same paper and then began to sing and dance changing his clothes. He got his phone, dialled someone then said: "Hey babe, am just changing clothes then will join you, as for the other fool it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around with her and has left. I was wrong..really wrong to have married her, I wish I had known you earlier. See you soon honey!" The husband walked out of the room and left. In tears and very upset, the woman got up from under the bed and decided to go and read what the husband wrote on the letter. 
When she got the letter, it said: "I COULD see your feet under the bed, I didn't make any phone call.. I am going to buy bread. Stand up, stop your silly games and prepare me a meal....

I LOVE YOU!"


Monday, March 20, 2017

Pregnancy Test - Joke

Pregnancy Test


A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!"


Monday, March 6, 2017

Daddy's Big Tummy - Joke


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Friday, February 24, 2017

What are you doing - Joke


A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

Friday, February 10, 2017

Wives !!!!













Wives !!!!


Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town 
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in his neighbourhood 
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego! πŸ˜·
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again. πŸ˜‡
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.😜😜😜
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them

πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that DayπŸ˜‚

πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....😜😜
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument....πŸ˜†πŸ˜œ
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a wife!😜 πŸ˜œπŸ˜†πŸ˜œ
πŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“ΌπŸ“Ό
Share this with all men for a good laugh and with women who can handle it...

Saturday, February 4, 2017

A Sunday quickie - Joke


Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Monday, December 19, 2016

A Daughter's doubt !!! - Joke


A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Poor Dog ! - Joke


One fine morning, a billionaire was taking a walk with his dog.
Suddenly a man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times. The dog was dead.
The billionaire screamed at the killer, "Why did you do that?".
The killer answered, "Your wife gave me $50,000 and said, "Go, kill that son-of-a-bitch"".
The billionaire hugged the killer & with tears in his eyes said...
"I don't know who your English teacher was, but I am forever grateful to her".

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Neighbour's wife


A person reported to the police about ''Missing of his neighbour's wife.''
Police: why are you complaining about his missing wife ?
Reply: I can't tolerate that guy's happiness !!! He celebrates every day.. πŸ˜†πŸ˜†

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Diamond Necklace :D - Joke


Wife:(waking up from her sleep)
I just had a dream that
you bought me
a diamond necklace
Husband : go back to sleep and wear it!

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