Custom Search
Showing posts with label awesome joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awesome joke. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Diamond Ring - Girl Friend Joke

Diamond Ring - Girl Friend Joke

BISCUIT: DIAMOND RING!

Monday, February 10, 2020

50 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny



50 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny

A Romp of Naughty Jokes : Stott : 9781850152613


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeรฑos getting it on?

Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Thursday, August 15, 2019

A man and his Boots - Awesome Joke


A man and his Boots - Awesome Joke

BELSTAFF RESOLVE WATERPROOF LEATHER BOOTS - BROWN - Urban Rider London

A man always works 3rd shift in construction. He comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then his right to get the mud and dust off. Then he carefully removes the boots, changes and falls asleep tired. Unfortunately the neighbors all hear the boot noise, and one of them asked the man to no longer do it.

The next day he comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then remembered about the noise and carefully removes the right one. He then changes and falls asleep tired.

In the afternoon he meets the neighbor again, and noticed he has puffy eyes. The neighbor, very frustrated said: "we were all waiting for you to slam the other boot so we can go back to sleep!"

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

An Awesome Marriage Joke


Sunday, May 5, 2019

Are These Plates Clean?


man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man's grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
His grandfather shouts, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

Monday, April 29, 2019

G-g-gimme a b-b-beer - A bar Joke


A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!"

The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know..."

A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?"

"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

Saturday, February 16, 2019

It could have been worse


Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!”

Friday, January 4, 2019

A Magic Apple in a bar !!


A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender walks to the back and after a few minutes hands the man an apple.

The man looks at it for a moment confused and takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like coke! But what about the rum?"

"Turn it around" the bartender says, and sure enough it tastes like rum!

"That's amazing!" Says the man, "Can I have a gin and tonic?"

The bartender nods his head and again walks to the back. After a few minutes he hands the man another apple, and just like before one side tastes like gin and the other like tonic water.

"This is crazy!" Says the man, "can you make apples taste like anything?"

The bartender nods his head, "Pretty much."

"Well, can I have an apple that tastes like pussy?"

The bartender walks to the back and in no time hands the man another apple.

The man takes a big bite with excitement, but quickly spits it out all over the bar.

"This tastes like shit!" Yells the man.

The bartender looks at the man for a second and says, "Turn it around."

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Always let your boss have the first say.


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”


“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

I had a threesome last night..



Man: Father, I have sinned. I had a threesome last night....


It was with two, beautiful, gorgeous young women who did everything I wanted and kept coming back for more, all night long.
Priest: son, although you did a bad thing outside of marriage, you are forgiven.
Man: I don't want forgiveness...
Priest: then why are you telling me?
Man: I'm telling EVERYONE!

Thursday, December 6, 2018

DIVORCE vs. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide.  Just get a divorce!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription... "
๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

Monday, December 3, 2018

Lucky Postman and an important Management Lesson


A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service. The towns people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a good lunch and $5.

The Postman was very happy and asked "But why the $5"?

Lady: "Actually yesterday I asked my husband what to present you"?

He said "Fuck him,  just give him $5"

"But the lunch was my idea."

MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always give clear instructions ...

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

A Truck Driver, Lawyer and Priest !! - Funniest Story of 2018


A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) 

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." 

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." 

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Monday, November 12, 2018

Lawyers and sandwiches !!

Lawyers and sandwiches !!


Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Irish Prostitute !! A must read piece


Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Jesus and Paul - "Paul, come to me"

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul


"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. 

Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

Thursday, October 25, 2018

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception


He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

Monday, October 22, 2018

There must be a simple explanation - A killer Joke this !!

This is a killer joke...



A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened.???", she asks anxiously.

"What happened.!!!
I'll tell you what happened......
I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her i was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our bed room.
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the E-mail"

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

A London Lawyer and Sexy Lady - An awesome Joke


Once a Lawyer was travelling by train from Liverpool to Manchester.

When the train started, He was traveling alone in the business class.

Some time later, a Very Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat!
The Lawyer was pleasantly Happy๐Ÿ™‚

The lady kept smiling at him...
This made him even Happier ☺️☺️

Then she went and sat next to him....
he was bubbling with Joy๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜�

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear...

"Hand over all your cash, cards and mobile phone to me , else I will shout loudly and tell everybody that you are harassing and misbehaving with me"
The Lawyer stared blankly at her ๐Ÿ™„

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I am sorry, I can not hear or speak... Please write on this paper whatever you want to say"

The lady wrote everything that she said earlier and gave it back to him!

The Lawyer took her note, kept it nicely in his pocket...
got up and told her in clear tones...
*Now shout & scream !!*

Moral of the story :

*DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Hit Leap

Traffic Exchange
Share/Save/Bookmark