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Showing posts with label flights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flights. Show all posts

Saturday, December 22, 2018

A Sexy Lady in an airplane - Best Joke of 2018

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding.


He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said.

“And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

A Mormon and An Irish - Awesome Joke


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Fly Babies - Mothers' Day Special from Jet Blue

Flying with a crying baby is tough on all of us, but it’s especially hard for moms. 
In honor of Mother’s Day, Jet Blue is giving everyone a reason to smile every time a baby cries.


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Are blind pilots flying?



One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Amazing Air jump






Friday, December 10, 2010

Funniest Airline Announcements

*Funniest Airline Announcements*





*United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!*

**************************************

*On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have. '*

***************************************

*'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane'*

***************************************

*An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. *

*She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'*

*'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'*

*The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'*

*****************************************

*As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'*

*********************************************

*After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has
shifted after a landing like that.'*

***************************************

*Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.'*

***************************************

*Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!'*

*************************************


*'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.'*

*************************************

*'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that
gentleman over there.'*

********************************************

*Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'*

******************************************

*After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on
with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.'*

******************************************

*Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways.'*

******************************************

*Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'*

******************************************

*A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!'*

*A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!'*
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