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Showing posts with label crazy jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazy jokes. Show all posts

Monday, November 7, 2016

Donald Trump - Craziest and Weirdest Quotes

pic courtesy : Huffington Post

"You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the p**sy. You can do anything." – Donald Trump in a 2005 interview with Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush

Donald Trump at the third presidential debate: "Nobody respects women more than me."
Three minutes later: "Such a nasty woman." (Oct. 19, 2016)

"Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?" –Donald Trump, reportedly asking a foreign policy adviser three times during a meeting why the U.S. couldn’t use its nuclear weapons stockpile, according to MSNBC's Joe Scarborough

"If she gets to pick her judges – nothing you can do, folks. Although, the Second Amendment people. Maybe there is. I don’t know." –Donald Trump, in what many interpreted to be a suggestion that someone might shoot Hillary Clinton, her Supreme Court picks, or both, Wilmington, North Carolina campaign rally, Aug. 9, 2016

"His wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say. She probably — maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say." —Donald Trump, smearing Ghazala Khan, the mother of a fallen American soldier, by implying that she was not allowed to speak, despite the fact that she has spoken publicly about her son's death (ABC News interview, July 30, 2016)

"'You do know you just attacked a Gold Star family?' one adviser warned Trump
Trump didn’t know what a Gold Star family was: 'What’s that?' he asked." –as reported by New York Magazine

“When Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats, and they make gestures at our people that they shouldn’t be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water." –Donald Trump, threatening to go to war with Iran over rude hand gestures, Pensacola, Florida, (Sept. 9, 2016)

About.com


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Neighbour's wife


A person reported to the police about ''Missing of his neighbour's wife.''
Police: why are you complaining about his missing wife ?
Reply: I can't tolerate that guy's happiness !!! He celebrates every day.. πŸ˜†πŸ˜†

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Wife and Newspaper - Joke


Wife asked her husband to give the newspaper ....

Husband: How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper ... ???
Take my iPad ....

Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach

Husband faints

*Moral:*Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument.
Show your smartness in your office only ....

Monday, September 19, 2016

What is the date today? - Joke

When I reached hospital,
I got a call from my wife...
"what is the date today?"
I was wondering..😳
then told her 11th September...
call disconnected...
i was wondering..her birthday?



No...mine...No... anniversary...no..
son's birthday ...no...
in laws birthday anniversary...
no...gas booking..done...utility payments done...
her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time...his birthday ...no... Then?!
Why date??? Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions...reached home...
Junior was playing in car park... Asked him....how is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... tsunami???...
Boy told " all normal. Why?".." your mom asked me..what is the date today in the morning?"...
Boy smiled and told me..." I tore some sheets from calendar in morning...
She was confused..". Haaaa... πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜Ž
*Being husband is a toughest job.* πŸ˜€πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜‚

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Free Food and wine !!! - Joke


An American man walked into a restaurant in London. As soon as he entered, he noticed an African man sitting in the corner.
So he walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! I am buying food for everyone in this restaurant, except that black African guy over there!"
So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food to everyone in the restaurant, except the African.
However, instead of becoming upset, the African simply looked up at the American and shouted, "Thank you!" That infuriated the man. So once again, the American took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!" So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, once again, instead of becoming angry, the African simply smiled at the American man and shouted, "Thank you!"
That made the American man furious. So he leaned over on the counter and said to the waiter, "What is wrong with that African man? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except him, but instead of becoming angry, he just sits there and smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is he mad?"
The waiter smiled at the American and said, "No, he is not mad. He is the owner of this restaurant.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

One Awesome Joke via Whatsapp


One day an ✈aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilots’ cockpit when he saw a πŸ“•book entitled “How to fly an aeroplane✈ for beginners. Volume One”.
😊
He opened the first page which said, “To start the engine, press the πŸ”΄red button.”. He did so and the airplane engine started.
🎺
He was happy and opened the next page. “To set airplane moving press the blueπŸ”΅ button.”
He did so and the ✈aeroplane started moving at an amazing speed.
🎷
He wanted to fly so he opened the third page which read, “To let the aeroplane fly, please press the ♻green button.”
He did this and the plane started to ✈✈✈fly.
He was excited!!!🌻
After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land so he decided to go to the fourth page.
🍁
He fainted πŸ˜±after reading the instruction.. πŸŽ―
The fourth page read, “To learn how to land, please purchase Volume Two at the nearest bookshop!!!!πŸ˜œπŸ˜†

Sunday, April 24, 2016

You will die laughing - The Best Indian Joke ever ???

Nearly died laughing....

A Sindhi, a Southy and Sardar worked together in an office and had a common boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the three decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind him. After all, he never called or came back to work, so how would he know they went home early?

The Sindhi was happy to be home early. He checked his bank accounts, counted his cash and went to bed early.

The Southy too was elated to be home early. He performed a long pooja, had a leisurely curd rice dinner and went to bed early.

The Sardar was thrilled to get home early and surprise his wife. But when he got to his bedroom, he heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see his wife in bed with his boss! 
Gently he closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the Sindhi and the Southy planned to leave early again, and they asked the Sardar if he too would leave with them.

'No way !' the Sardar exclaimed, 'I almost got caught yesterday !'
πŸ˜„

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Monday, April 4, 2016

The Blue Suit - Funniest Joke


An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because
her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish
to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always
put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last
moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.
When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile
through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left,
a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing
a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had
always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.

He continued,
"After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Monkey at the bar - Joke


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey
jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,
then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see
what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for
the stuff the monkey ate,then leaves.


Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has
his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his
drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut,
and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, 
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he had to shit out
that cue ball, he measures everything FIRST!"

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

5 minutes work & 1000 rupees !! - Joke


Dentist : I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient : How much will it cost?

Dentist : It’s Rs.1000.

Patient : One thousand for just a few minutes work???

Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Crazy Whatsapp People

Crazy people on my WhatsApp list.



1. Someone on his status "Sleeping" since 3 Days! He's Probably dead.
😴😴😴 
2. Someone is "Driving" since 9 days! I guess he reached North Pole!!
πŸ˜­πŸš—πŸ˜­
3. Someone's status is "Happy" since 1 Month. Living in Paradise???
πŸ‘ΌπŸ‘ΌπŸ‘Ό
4. Someone is always 'available'. How free are you?????
πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„
5. From first day their status is, 'Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp' I Know ! That's why you're on my list!
😏😏😏
6. Someone writes "urgent calls only". Don't get it.. Are u in the fire or ambulance service?
😱😱😱
7. Someone says, "can't talk. Whatsapp only". Dude then throw away ur phone.. You are not using the phone's Primary function
πŸ“±πŸ˜œπŸ˜œ
8. Someone is 'at the movies' for the past 6 weeks. Either he owns the theatre or sells popcorn thereπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Pls share with your loved ones and make them to laugh about others status.  πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„
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