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Showing posts with label sexy jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexy jokes. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

My Girl friend's sister - A story with Moral

My Girl friend's sister - A story with Moral

awesome funny girlfriend sister joke | Sister jokes, Girlfriend ...

Monday, February 10, 2020

50 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny



50 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny

A Romp of Naughty Jokes : Stott : 9781850152613


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Thursday, May 2, 2019

A man at the bar with Little Head !!

A man at the bar with Little Head !!





Saturday, April 27, 2019

Stacey and Jim !


A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.

“Hello there and what is your name?” “Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.”

“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?” “Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!”

At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk and asks, “Is this your brother?” “No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. “Is it your husband?” Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” “Then, it must be your boyfriend!” Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!” “Then, who is it?”

Stacey replies, “That’s me before my operation!”

Thursday, April 25, 2019

What you want me to do ? - A sexy Joke


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00…on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:
“Clean my house.”

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

A chicken farmer goes into a bar... - Joke


A chicken farmer goes into a bar...



A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Monday, October 22, 2018

There must be a simple explanation - A killer Joke this !!

This is a killer joke...



A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened.???", she asks anxiously.

"What happened.!!!
I'll tell you what happened......
I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her i was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our bed room.
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the E-mail"

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Monday, October 8, 2018

Who Said that? - Awesome Joke



The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Friday, August 24, 2018

A Farmer and schoolmistress - An awesome Joke


A farmer was walking into town to do some errands.

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to go to 23 Elm street. Could you tell me the way? "

"Sure," said the farmer. "Actually, I'll be waking right by 23 Elm. I can just walk you there. "

As they went along, the farmer started to take his usual shortcut down a narrow, somewhat darkened alley. The schoolmistress halted in alarm. "Are we going to go down there!" She exclaimed.

"Why not?" Asked the farmer, puzzled and irritated.

"It's so dark and deserted!" The schoolmistress said. "You might be planning to push me up against the wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me!"

" Lady, " the farmer said, annoyed. "I'm carrying a bucket, a brick, two chickens and a duck. How exactly am i supposed to ravish you? "

The schoolmistress replied, "You put the duck down under the bucket, put the brick on top, and I hold a chicken under each arm."

Monday, August 20, 2018

Lesbian Neighbours and Me !!


My lesbian neighbours Eva & Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters!
For 6 months now we’ve been trying but I haven't got the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year

Saturday, August 11, 2018

The New Pianist !! - A hilarious Joke

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist


A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"

John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."

The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"

The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.

The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"

John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."

The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."

So John agrees and starts work that night.

A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.

As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"

John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"

Thursday, August 2, 2018

This is Japanese Golf - Hilarious Joke


They are going to play golf at the business meeting. 
The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. 

He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. 

The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" 
He thinks, "This girl is loving this." 

Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" 
The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

Friday, March 23, 2018

Bathing Monks and Nuns - An awesome Joke

Two monks are taking a shower together.


Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.
Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.
Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.
When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.
The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap
"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.
But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.
Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

Thursday, February 22, 2018

A golfer and his wife - Hilarious #joke

A golfer and his wife - Hilarious #joke




Sunday, January 28, 2018

Your Thai Girl Friend

Your Thai Girl Friend 


Monday, March 6, 2017

Daddy's Big Tummy - Joke


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Friday, February 24, 2017

What are you doing - Joke


A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Black ??!! - An Awesome Joke


A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
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