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Showing posts with label adult jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adult jokes. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

My Girl friend's sister - A story with Moral

My Girl friend's sister - A story with Moral

awesome funny girlfriend sister joke | Sister jokes, Girlfriend ...

Monday, February 10, 2020

50 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny



50 Dirty Jokes That Are (Never Appropriate But) Always Funny

A Romp of Naughty Jokes : Stott : 9781850152613


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.

21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?

So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

A chicken farmer goes into a bar... - Joke


A chicken farmer goes into a bar...



A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Saturday, December 22, 2018

A Sexy Lady in an airplane - Best Joke of 2018

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding.


He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said.

“And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Sunday, December 9, 2018

I had a threesome last night..



Man: Father, I have sinned. I had a threesome last night....


It was with two, beautiful, gorgeous young women who did everything I wanted and kept coming back for more, all night long.
Priest: son, although you did a bad thing outside of marriage, you are forgiven.
Man: I don't want forgiveness...
Priest: then why are you telling me?
Man: I'm telling EVERYONE!

Thursday, December 6, 2018

DIVORCE vs. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.  I'll lose my license!  They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have any cyanide.  Just get a divorce!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription... "
😝😜😂😆😆😆😆

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Monday, October 8, 2018

Who Said that? - Awesome Joke



The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Friday, August 24, 2018

A Farmer and schoolmistress - An awesome Joke


A farmer was walking into town to do some errands.

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to go to 23 Elm street. Could you tell me the way? "

"Sure," said the farmer. "Actually, I'll be waking right by 23 Elm. I can just walk you there. "

As they went along, the farmer started to take his usual shortcut down a narrow, somewhat darkened alley. The schoolmistress halted in alarm. "Are we going to go down there!" She exclaimed.

"Why not?" Asked the farmer, puzzled and irritated.

"It's so dark and deserted!" The schoolmistress said. "You might be planning to push me up against the wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me!"

" Lady, " the farmer said, annoyed. "I'm carrying a bucket, a brick, two chickens and a duck. How exactly am i supposed to ravish you? "

The schoolmistress replied, "You put the duck down under the bucket, put the brick on top, and I hold a chicken under each arm."

Monday, August 20, 2018

Lesbian Neighbours and Me !!


My lesbian neighbours Eva & Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters!
For 6 months now we’ve been trying but I haven't got the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year

Saturday, August 11, 2018

The New Pianist !! - A hilarious Joke

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist


A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"

John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."

The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"

The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.

The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"

John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."

The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."

So John agrees and starts work that night.

A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.

As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"

John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Who ?? - Joke


A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.

The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"

The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"

Saturday, April 21, 2018

A married man's confession - Joke

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Friday, March 23, 2018

Bathing Monks and Nuns - An awesome Joke

Two monks are taking a shower together.


Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.
Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.
Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.
When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.
The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap
"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.
But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.
Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Free Sex Tonight !!!


I asked a Chinese girl for her number. 



She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" 
I said, "Wow!" 

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

45 Quick And Dirty Riddles That Will Stump Even Your Smartest Friends

45 Quick And Dirty Riddles That Will Stump Even Your Smartest Friends



1. You play with me at night before going to sleep. You can't get caught fiddling with me at work. You only let a select few people touch me. What am I?

Your phone.

2. What's a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?

Talk.

3. I start with a "v" and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I?

Her voice.

4. I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?

Your nose.

5. What's in a man's pants that you won't find in a girl's dress?

Pockets.

6. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

A tent.

7. What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber.

8. If I miss, I might hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

The paperboy.

9. What four-letter word begins with "f" and ends with "k," and if you can't get it you can always just use your hands?

A fork.

10. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

An elevator.

11. I'm spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?

Peanut butter.

12. Arnold Schwarzenegger's is really long. Michael J. Fox's is short. Daffy Duck's isn't human. Madonna doesn't have one. What am I?

A last name.

13. What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside? The word begins with "c," ends in "t," and there's a "u" and an "n" between them.

A coconut.

14. I start with a "p" and ends with "o-r-n," and I'm a major player in the film industry. What am I?

Popcorn.

15. My business is briefs. I'm a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it regularly. What am I?

A lawyer.

16. You get a lot of it if you're powerful and successful, but significantly less when you're just starting out. You sometimes do it with yourself, but it's a lot better when you do it with another person. What am I talking about?

Email.

17. Name a word that starts with "f" and ends with "u-c-k"?

Firetruck!

18. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

An arrow.

19. I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

20. What does a dog do that a man steps into?

Pants.

21. I'm great for protection. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

Gloves.

22. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt.

23. What's beautiful and natural, but gets prickly if it isn't trimmed regularly?

The lawn.

24. All men have one, but it's longer on some than others. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife once they're married.

His last name.

25. I assist with erections. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. I'm known as a big swinger. What am I?

A crane.

26. You find me in a guy's pants. I'm about six inches long, I have a head, and some women love to blow me. What am I?

A twenty dollar bill.

27. When I go in, I can cause some pain. I'll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit, and not swallow. What am I?

Your dentist.

28. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

29. I grow in a bed, first white then red, and the plumper I get, the better women like me. What am I?

A strawberry.

30. I'm the highlight of many dates. I'm especially responsive when you put your fingers deep inside me. What am I?

A bowling ball.

31. What's made of rubber, handed out at some schools, and exists to prevent mistakes?

Erasers.

32. I'm at least six inches long. I love it wet and foamy when I get to do my job. What am I?

A toothbrush.

33. What's messy and can be really annoying and/or tricky to clean up after sex?

Feelings.

34. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. Something really big and hard ripped me open. What am I?

The Titanic.

35. It's a fun thing to do and you devote a significant amount of energy to thinking about it, but you hate knowing that your parents are doing it. What is it?

Facebook.

36. What's most useful when it's long and hard?

An education.

37. What's white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?

Toothpaste.

38. A lot of people like these to be as long as possible, but short ones can be effective, and it's definitely possible for them to be too long. What are they?

Tweets.

39. Name a word that's four letters long, ends in "u-n-t" and is used to refer to some women?

Aunt.

40. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

41. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand, plus a dozen donuts.

42. Who's the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut!

43. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

44. What does a woman have two of the a cow has four of?

Legs.

45. Sometimes a finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

Your wedding band.






A.R.V.லோஷன்
A.R.V.Loshan

Friday, December 22, 2017

Sex with the priest's wife

Sex with the priest's wife.



Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, 

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. 

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".


Monday, March 6, 2017

Daddy's Big Tummy - Joke


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Friday, February 24, 2017

What are you doing - Joke


A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Black ??!! - An Awesome Joke


A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
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