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Showing posts with label funny sexy jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny sexy jokes. Show all posts

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Stacey and Jim !


A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.

“Hello there and what is your name?” “Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” “I’m Jim.”

“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?” “Sure!” replies Jim. “Let’s go!”

At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk and asks, “Is this your brother?” “No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. “Is it your husband?” Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” “Then, it must be your boyfriend!” Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!” “Then, who is it?”

Stacey replies, “That’s me before my operation!”

Thursday, April 25, 2019

What you want me to do ? - A sexy Joke


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00…on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:
“Clean my house.”

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious

15 Dirty One Liner Jokes - Sexy and Hilarious


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Lucky Postman and an important Management Lesson


A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service. The towns people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a good lunch and $5.

The Postman was very happy and asked "But why the $5"?

Lady: "Actually yesterday I asked my husband what to present you"?

He said "Fuck him,  just give him $5"

"But the lunch was my idea."

MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always give clear instructions ...

Monday, October 15, 2018

A Biker and Beautiful young lady - A Sexy Joke


A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

He looks at all of the stuff he bought and says, "Now how the hell am I gonna carry all of this?"

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 23 Elm Street?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just a block from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket...

... and I'll hold the chickens!"

Thursday, August 2, 2018

This is Japanese Golf - Hilarious Joke


They are going to play golf at the business meeting. 
The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. 

He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. 

The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" 
He thinks, "This girl is loving this." 

Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" 
The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Charges for Love !! - Joke


A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Monday, December 19, 2016

A Daughter's doubt !!! - Joke


A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

No Good..


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house. 

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Sex is like.... Some REALLY interesting quotes


I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
"I knowwhat I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked".
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Mother of Six !!! - Joke


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by
her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Friday, February 5, 2016

The Prisoner


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Son of a bitch - Joke


“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” the girl said at confession.
“What have you done my child?” asked her priest.
“I called a man a son of a bitch,” she told him.
“And why did you call him a son of a bitch?” he asked.
“Because he touched my hand,” she answered.
“Like this?” said the priest, as he touches her hand.
“Yes, Father.”
“That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
“Then he touched my breast.”
“Like this?” he asked, as he touched her breast.
“Yes, Father.”
“That’s still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
“Then he took off my clothes, father.”
“Like this?” he inquired, as he takes off her clothes.
“Yes, Father.”
“That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
“Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where,” she confessed. “Like this?” the priest asked as he stuck his you know what into her you know where.
“Yes, Father! YES, Father!! YES FATHER!!!”
After a few minutes, the priest said, “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
“But Father, then he told me he has AIDS!”
“THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Monday, September 2, 2013

Gujrati Lady !!! Funny and Naughty


A sophisticated looking Gujarati lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.
 
The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
 
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali.'
 
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'
 
The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it is none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I have ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?
 
'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Love Dress - Joke


The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door, "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.  
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress?" But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes
me happy too. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be
home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. But on the
way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing! What's for supper?"
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