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Showing posts with label Presidential elections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Presidential elections. Show all posts

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Trump's first day in White House

*Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.*


First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!

😂😂

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Trump vs Clinton Jokes


"If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don't have Twitter or television." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

"Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton's shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'You never really get used to it.'" –Conan O'Brien
"In his campaign against Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump says he's going to start quoting some of Bernie Sanders' speeches. Which means Trump's opening line will now be, 'My nurse is stealing from me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump said, 'If I lose, I don't think you'll ever see me again.' So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind." –Conan O'Brien
"According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves 'Women.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn't have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it." –Seth Meyers
 "Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his 'country club' lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend." –Conan O'Brien
"Last night, CNN hosted a town hall with Republican front-runner Donald Trump, and at one point he complained that the rules of the election are stacked against him 'by the establishment.' You gotta give it to Trump. He's the only man who could inherit millions of dollars, have his name on buildings, and still go, 'Life is totally unfair!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Hillary Clinton campaign believes that Donald Trump is going to go after her occasional 'health problems.' Today, Hillary reminded Trump that being a woman over 40 is not a 'health problem.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz." –Seth Meyers

"After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments." –Conan O'Brien

"If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties' nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. 'King me!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, 'My first campaign!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they're against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, 'Guilty!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn't yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can't vote by texting and said, 'Never mind!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Trump's family was also at the town hall, and Trump's daughter Ivanka was asked if the election is straining her friendship with Chelsea Clinton. Which means we have officially begun the presidential campaign of 2032, everybody!" –Jimmy Fallon

Source : about.com
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