Management Consultantancy !!

 Management Consultantancy

There was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver,

a man dressed in an Armani suit,

Cerutti shoes,

Ray-Ban sunglasses,

TAG-Heuer wrist watch,

& a Pierre Cardin tie

gets out and asks the shepherd,

'If I can tell you how many sheep you have,

will you give me one of them?'

The shepherd looks at

the young man,

then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies,

'Okay.'

The young man parks the car,

connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,

enters a NASA Website,

scans the ground using his GPS,

opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot

tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech

mini-printer,

turns to the shepherd and says,

‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'.

The shepherd cheers,

"That's correct,

you can have your choicest sheep from the herd".

'The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks,

'If I guess your profession,

will you return my animal to me?'

The young man laughed and answers,

'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says,

'You are a MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT.'

'How did you know?'

asks the young man.

'Very simple,'

answers the shepherd.

1. First,

you came here without being wanted.

2. Second,

you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.

3. Third,

you don't understand anything about my business.

Now, *May I please have my DOG back? "*

Irish Jokes - The BEST Collection

Irish Jokes - The BEST Collection 

I’m Australian

Piet the farmer was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pond.

He shouts, “Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap k*k”.

The other guy says, “I’m Australian mate, speak English!”

Piet replies, “Use both hands, you get more that way”.

Always let your boss have the first say.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”


“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral: Always let your boss have the first say.

A Truck Driver, Lawyer and Priest !! - Funniest Story of 2018

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) 

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." 

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." 

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Choosing their Dates !! - A Super Joke

A middle age Guy and his Wife, after a big fight mutually decided to make a list of 5 People whom they're allowed to Sleep with if they ever got the opportunity.

She picked
1. Brad Pitt,
2. Hrithik Roshan,
3. Chris Hemsworth,
4. George Clooney
5. Arnold schwarzenegger

He picked
1. Her Sister,
2. Her cousin
3. Wife's Best Friend,
4. their Neighbour's Wife and
5. their Son's Tuition Teacher.

Men are simple like that, they always set Achievable Goals !!!

How much do you love me?

Mrs - How much do you love me? Me - Well, look at the stars and count them. That's how much I love you. Mrs - but, its morning. Me - Exactly.

The New Pianist !! - A hilarious Joke

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says "That's absolutely wonderful, what's it called?"

John replies "Oh it's one of my songs, I call it 'Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead'."

The manager, shocked, stammers "Oh, right... urr, do you have any more?"

The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.

The manager says "Incredible! What do you call this one?"

John replies "Oh, I call that one 'I'm going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon'."

The manager says to him "Ok, look, you're hired. I can't let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won't do in an establishment like this."

So John agrees and starts work that night.

A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant is incredible, people are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners "OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I'm going to take a short break and I'll resume my playing for you shortly," and goes off to take a small comfort break.

As he's returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims "John! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!"

John replies "Know it?! I fucking wrote it!"

This is Japanese Golf - Hilarious Joke

They are going to play golf at the business meeting. 

The guy flies out there a day early. He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha. 

He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for. He takes her in back and starts doing his thing. 

The girl starts going crazy. She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" 

He thinks, "This girl is loving this." 

Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one. He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!" 

The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP - The Scariest Story Ever !!!

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night. 

There isn’t another soul on the street. Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump…bump…bump. 
He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer. Bump…bump…bump. The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly. BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath. Bump…bump…bump. There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…BUMP! BUMP! 
BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!! 

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after. 

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! 

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down! His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

Sardar strikes once again !! - Indian Joke

*Sardar* got frustrated of jokes made on him, so he goes to his wife and says ..
"Tell me a joke in which
*I am not involved*.":worried:

She smiles and says ...:information_desk_person:
"I am pregnant".

:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes::stuck_out_tongue::wink:

Tarzan, Jane and Sex - An Awesome Joke

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first".

Brave man in a bar - 3 Tasks !!! - Joke

A man walks in a bar, and sees a jar of money on top of the bar. He asked the bartender "What's that money for?". The bartender tell him "that's the pot". 

The bartender pours the man a drink and begins to tell him about the jar. The bartender says "You put $20 in the jar and you have a chance to win everything by completing three tasks". 

The bartender then continues "First you have to knock out our bouncer, Leon. Next you have to go outside and visit our guard dog. It's a mean pitbull with a bad tooth, you have to pull it." 

The bartender says "Finally, we have an old lady upstairs. You have to give her an orgasm." 

The man says "Hell no!" and continues to drink. 

After about two hours of drinking the man reaches into pocket and grabs $20 and puts it in the jar. 

He walks up to Leon and says "You must be Leon." He reaches to shake hands, but then catches Leon off guard and instead punches him in the jaw knocking him out." 

At this point the bar gets quiet because no one has ever knocked out Leon. Without saying a word the man points at the back door and the bartender nods. 

The mans walks out the back door, and you hear the pitbull growling and barking, and then it goes into a soft whimper. The man walks back in the bar and says "So....where's this old woman with the bad tooth."

US HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 !!!

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . 

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. 


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. 

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 


Massachusettsexecutes last remaining conservative. 


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. 


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 

Now, share this with whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very, very scared.

I Love This Country! 

It's The Government That Scares Me! 

3 Wishes - Genie and Me

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

A married man's confession - Joke

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end

Uncle Bob - Story with a moral - Read till the end 

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”

“Very good!” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was little Johnny's turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Uncle Bob who was a flight engineer in the war and him plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Uncle Bob drank the whisky on the way down to prepare himself; then he landed right in the middle of a 100 enemy soldiers.

He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then bit the last ten to death.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Uncle Bob when he’s drunk.

Three Bills at a bar - Joke

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then saiys:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

Bathing Monks and Nuns - An awesome Joke

Two monks are taking a shower together.

Suddenly one of the monks notices that they forgot the soap. So he leaves the shower and runs to his room completely naked to grab some soap.

Once he's got the soap and is walking back he hears three nuns approaching.

Terrified that they might recognize him he freezes and pretends to be a statue.

When the nuns walk past him they are suprised by how life-like the statue looks. The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monks penis.

The monk is completely suprised and drops one of the bars of soap

"Its a machine to get a bar of soap!" The second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis. And sure enough he drops the second bar.

But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again. This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.

Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

Canons Roar - A Hilarious Joke

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.

"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.

"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts...

"What the fuck was THAT?!"