Charges for Love !! - Joke

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Politicians !!!!

Politicians accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Cat Heaven!

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You've lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It's wonderful here! Better than I could have ever expected. And those little Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are the best!!!"

Author Unknown

How long before I can get a haircut? - Joke

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Men - Women - Joke

God created Man,stepped back and said:"Perfect."

Then God created Woman,stepped back and said:

"Hmm, I think this will have to wear make-up!!

Diamond Necklace :D - Joke

Wife:(waking up from her sleep)
I just had a dream that
you bought me
a diamond necklace

Husband : go back to sleep and wear it!

That Legal - Logical question - Joke

A student failed in law & decided to make a deal with professor.

Sir, do you know everything about law?

Prof: Yes.

Student: If you can answer this question, i will accept my final marks, if you cant, you have to give me "A" Grade.

Professor agreed.

Boy asked: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?"

Prof thought about it for hours & pondered no answer.

He had to finally give up as he really did not know.

He gave the boy his "A" Grade.

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered: Sir, you are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A" Grade, This is neither logical nor legal.

The professor collapsed...

Mathematicians - This is the way they do it - Joke

A psychologist is doing a study on the different ways in which engineers, physicists, and mathematicians do things. In the first part of the study, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are each taken into a different room, having a table and having a book on the floor, and asked to do a simple task: to move the book from the floor to the table.

The engineer looks at the book, picks it up, and puts it on the table. The physicist looks at the book, calls in her graduate student, and has her graduate student pick up the book and put it on the table. The mathematician looks at the book, does a few calculations, picks it up, and puts it on the table.

In the second part of the study, the three are each taken into a different room, having two tables and having a book on one of the tables, and asked to do another simple task: to move the book from one table to the other. The engineer looks at the book, picks it up, and moves it to the other table. The physicist looks at the book, calls in her graduate student, and has her graduate student pick up the book and move it to the other table. The mathematician, without hesitation, picks up the book, drops it on the floor, and says, "There! I have reduced the problem to one to which a solution is known to exist."

Ambulance ! - Joke

A Woman called for an ambulance..

Operator: How may I help you?

Woman: I banged my toe against the coffee table and hurt it real bad.

Operator: And you want to call an ambulance for that?

Woman: No. The ambulance is for my husband. He shouldn't have laughed like that......
😳😳😀

What is the date today? - Joke

When I reached hospital,
I got a call from my wife...
"what is the date today?"

I was wondering..😳
then told her 11th September...
call disconnected...
i was wondering..her birthday?

No...mine...No... anniversary...no..
son's birthday ...no...
in laws birthday anniversary...
no...gas booking..done...utility payments done...
her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time...his birthday ...no... Then?!

Why date??? Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions...reached home...

Junior was playing in car park... Asked him....how is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... tsunami???...

Boy told " all normal. Why?".." your mom asked me..what is the date today in the morning?"...

Boy smiled and told me..." I tore some sheets from calendar in morning...

She was confused..". Haaaa... 😂😂😎😎

*Being husband is a toughest job.* 😀😎😃😂

Wives are of two types..

Wives are of two types:

The first type listens to her husband, understands his thoughts, always behaving lovingly, and even if the husband is angry, keeps smiling.😊

.
The second type...
.
.
.
.
.
.
..is the one that everyone has😜

God is an Engineer? - Joke

Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have even come up with that."

The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"

Aiyo Siri Lanka (Sirisena)

A journalist, who was fed up with the Sri Lankan Economy, decided to ask views of President Sirisena on sports instead of Sri Lankan economy. He asked "Dear Mr. President, which game do you like". 

President replied "Cricket". Journalist further asked, which part of Cricket do you like, I mean batting or bowling ? "

The President replied "No, No, I LIKE THE TOSS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MATCH ". Journalist was confused and asked "Why, only toss, Sir". 

President smiled and said " BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY TIME WHEN I SEE OUR RUPEE GOING UP"

WTF !!! - An athletic scholarship - Joke

There was an athlete who wanted to accept a scholarship to a well-known college. To be awarded it, however, he had to pass a physical, since it was an athletic scholarship. 

When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marjuana. 

The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!! 

Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favour. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here." 

Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid. 

Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial. 

All was fine -- he thought!! 

Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer." 

"WHY?" asked Tim. 

"We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"

Blonde's Car Keys

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. 

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. 

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

The Bank Robbers

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. 

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. 

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." 

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

Exercise While Pregnant - Joke

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 

The room really got quiet. 

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. 

"Yes?" replied the teacher. 

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

No Good..

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house. 

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

A Reasonable Fee - Lawyer Joke

        
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
        The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
        "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
        "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

A Husband - wife quarrel

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"