Politicians !!!!

Politicians accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

How a Sri Lankan got White House Painting Contract !!!

Donald Trump wants the white house painted!

Chinese guy quoted 3 million.

European guy quoted 7 million.

Srilankan guy quoted 10 million.

Trump asked Chinese guy how did you quote?

He said:

1 million for paint

1 million for labour

1 million profit.

He asked European..

He said : 

3 million for paint

2 million for labour

2 million profit.

He asked Srilankan..

 Sri Lankan said:

4 million for me

3 million for you

3 million will give it to the Chinese guy to paint.

Sri Lankan got the painting contract 😜😜👌😊😃😃

Free Food and wine !!! - Joke

An American man walked into a restaurant in London. As soon as he entered, he noticed an African man sitting in the corner.
So he walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! I am buying food for everyone in this restaurant, except that black African guy over there!"

So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food to everyone in the restaurant, except the African.
However, instead of becoming upset, the African simply looked up at the American and shouted, "Thank you!" That infuriated the man. So once again, the American took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!" So the waiter collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, once again, instead of becoming angry, the African simply smiled at the American man and shouted, "Thank you!"

That made the American man furious. So he leaned over on the counter and said to the waiter, "What is wrong with that African man? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except him, but instead of becoming angry, he just sits there and smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is he mad?"

The waiter smiled at the American and said, "No, he is not mad. He is the owner of this restaurant.

One Awesome Joke via Whatsapp

One day an aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilots’ cockpit when he saw a book entitled “How to fly an aeroplane for beginners. Volume One”.

He opened the first page which said, “To start the engine, press the 🔴red button.”. He did so and the airplane engine started.

He was happy and opened the next page. “To set airplane moving press the blue🔵 button.”

He did so and the aeroplane started moving at an amazing speed.

He wanted to fly so he opened the third page which read, “To let the aeroplane fly, please press the ♻green button.”

He did this and the plane started to fly.
He was excited!!!

After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land so he decided to go to the fourth page.

He fainted after reading the instruction.. 

The fourth page read, “To learn how to land, please purchase Volume Two at the nearest bookshop!!!!

Free Coffee !!

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!

Suicide with knife - Joke

Two friends communicating 

1st friend: Why are you heating the knife.

2st friend: To do suicide.

1st friend: But why are you heating it?

2st friend: To prevent infection.

The Four Cats !!!!

The Four Cats

 

Four men were bragging about how smart

their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist, and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'

 

T-square pranced over to the desk,

took out some paper and pen and promptly

drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned

with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Measure, do your stuff.'

 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge,

took out a quart of milk,

got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard

and poured exactly 8 ounces

without spilling a drop into the glass.

 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the

Government Employee and said,

'What can your cat do?'

 

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies..... ..
drank the milk.......

sh-t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....

put in for Workers' Compensation. ......... .....and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO

WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

A robbery in China and some Really Good lessons for life

There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
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One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
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When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
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After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
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The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
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The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
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The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Tea for Daddy - Joke

Mother was out, and dad was in charge.

She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Sardars, Lion and Sand

Two Sardars were in a forest, when a lion came roaring towards them. One of them throws sand into its eyes, and runs. Second one stays unmoved. 

When asked why he is not running, another Sardar tells: "Why should I be running? It is you who has thrown the sand "

Sing Sing all the way...

What is cyclone?

Bank manager asks Ganjibhai in an interview: "What is cyclone"

Ganjibhai: "It is the loan given to purchase a cycle"

Blonde learns Horse - Joke

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Americans are honest - Joke

An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank. 

As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras. 

When they returned back to their hide-out, American distributed the money in three even shares. 

He counted each portion aloud: 1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you... 
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you... 
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you... 

The Mexican said to the Italian 'well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest. 

The Smart Blonde - Joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. 

Chinese Engrish ..... ROTFL

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