Shadow sex

Shadow Sex

Making a Puppy - Joke

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

A Sunday quickie - Joke

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Rules of Sex ! - One Good Joke

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Charges for Love !! - Joke

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Newlywed couple and Pastor - Joke

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

A Daughter's doubt !!! - Joke

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Naughty Quotes !

*1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!*

*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!*

*3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.*

*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.*

*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!*

*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!*

*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.*

*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!*

*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".*

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.*

No Good..

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 
"And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house. 

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

The Prisoner

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."

A Dog named 'Sex' !!! - Funniest Joke Ever

Dog named 'Sex'

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

  It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said,   'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, "You must have been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.  When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. 
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, " Me. too."

"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.  I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.

He said, "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."

Son of a bitch - Joke

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” the girl said at confession.

“What have you done my child?” asked her priest.

“I called a man a son of a bitch,” she told him.

“And why did you call him a son of a bitch?” he asked.

“Because he touched my hand,” she answered.

“Like this?” said the priest, as he touches her hand.

“Yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

“Then he touched my breast.”

“Like this?” he asked, as he touched her breast.

“Yes, Father.”

“That’s still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

“Then he took off my clothes, father.”

“Like this?” he inquired, as he takes off her clothes.

“Yes, Father.”

“That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

“Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where,” she confessed. “Like this?” the priest asked as he stuck his you know what into her you know where.

“Yes, Father! YES, Father!! YES FATHER!!!”

After a few minutes, the priest said, “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

“But Father, then he told me he has AIDS!”

“THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Some Naughty Jokes ;)

The sex life of my belt's buckle is as frustrating as mine. It also sees many holes everyday but goes in the same again and again!

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Women are a lot like alcohol. They may give you a great night but they're a fucking headache in the morning!
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Female tears and male sperms are so similar. They're always eager to come out and only one in a million is for the right cause!
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Dear Periods,
The only reason we tolerate you is because you're a sign that we're not pregnant.
Sincerely,
Girls

Dear Periods,
We only tolerate you because we get blow jobs that week.
Sincerely,
Boys
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Men like sex, just like their belts...
If it's not tight enough, they'll move it to another hole!
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Responses during Sex:
Mistress: Wow! Darling this is great!
Whore: Come on finish it now!
Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly!
Wife: Ceiling needs painting!
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A good date ends with dinner,
But An awesome date ends with breakfast!
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Cleavage is like the Sun. You can look at it but you cannot stare - unless you are wearing sunglasses!
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Internal Note from Department Head to all employees:
Dear Employees, We do get to know when you're texting during the meeting. Because seriously, no one looks at their private parts and smiles!
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If you don't get a good appraisal inspite of giving your best, don't be disheartened. Even condoms are thrown away after 100% result oriented😛😂😱😃

If u laughed ... Pls dont laugh alone...

Gujrati Lady !!! Funny and Naughty

A sophisticated looking Gujarati lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down.

 

The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

 

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. 'Right here,' she says, 'I want you to tattoo a clay lamp and underneath it I want the word Diwali.'

 

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, 'On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas.'

 

The owner looks at her. 'Ooh, lady, it is none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I have ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?

 

'Well,' the lady said, 'I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to enjoy between Diwali and Christmas.

The Love Dress - Joke

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door, "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.  
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress?" But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes
me happy too. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be
home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. But on the
way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing! What's for supper?"