I’m Australian

Piet the farmer was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pond.

He shouts, “Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap k*k”.

The other guy says, “I’m Australian mate, speak English!”

Piet replies, “Use both hands, you get more that way”.

Too Late..

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: “Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

Best and Funniest One liners

1. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
2. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
3. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
5. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
6. Basic research is what I’m doing, when I don’t know what I’m doing.
7. Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
8. This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
9. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
12. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
13. At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women!
14. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.