100 Cool Things About Being A GUY..

100 Cool Things About Being A Guy 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. 3. You know stuff about tanks. 4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 5. Monday Night Football. 6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 8. You can open all of your own jars. 9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 13. All your orgasms are real. 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey. 16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go. 17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny. 18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19. Your last name stays put. 20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food. 23. The garage is all yours. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment." 26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27. You never have to clean a toilet. 28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship 34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 35. You don't have to shave below your neck. 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38. You can write your name in the snow. 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41. Chocolate is just another snack. 42. You can be president. 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44. Flowers fix everything. 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. 51. Foreplay is optional. 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. 59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me." 60. The world is your urinal. 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64. One mood, all the time. 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross." 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69. Same work...more pay! 70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back. 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts. 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77. The remote control is yours and yours alone. 78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79. ESPN's SportsCenter. 80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers. 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." 88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. 93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them. 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99. Baywatch 100. There's always a game on somewhere

HELL AND A SENATOR

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.


'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose where to spend eternity. 'Really, I've made up my mind.
I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. 'And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.


They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. 


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.


'Now it's time to visit heaven. 'So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.


They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity. 'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.


'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.


'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?


'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'

Extremely Disturbing Photo Manipulations

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