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Monday, April 5, 2010

Cricket Jokes


1) Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.


2) Well, your Lordship
A lord was entertaining some guests at his country estate and they were playing cricket. The lord was batting and his chief footman was the umpire. A guest bowled and plainly caught the lord l.b.w.

They appealed to the footman, who said, 'Lord Melford ; is not at home.'

'What?' said the lord.

'Well, your lordship,' said the footman, 'to speak plainly you're out!'


3) A close shave

The local barber was umpiring in the village match and when one of the batsmen was apparently run out he said: 'Not out.'

The batsman looked at him thankfully. 'That was a close shave,' he said.

'Aye,' said the umpire, 'and if you 'adn't been a regular customer it would 'ave been 'Next gentleman please'!'

4) In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic.

"What are you doing?" asked the spectator.

"Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."


5) The stonewaller had been at the crease for two hours and had scored one run. It finally got too much for the umpire. He raised his finger and said:

'Out'.

'What for?' said the batsman.

'Loitering with intent,' answered the umpire.


6) Can you walk?

The batsman received a fast ball which struck his pad. Though it was obviously l.b.w. he tried to feign injury by dancing around in agony. He fell to the ground clutching his foot and the umpire came up and looked down at him.

'Can you walk?' he asked, solicitously.

'Yes.'

'Then walk back to the pavilion, mate. You're out!'

7) Mrs Jones : I'd like my son to be excused playing cricket. I don't think he should mix with that sort of person.

Teacher: How d'you mean?

Mrs Jones: Well; I distinctly heard him say that the man in the white coat was a vampire!

8) Wife: 'Who's Bill Robinson?'
George: 'He saved us from losing last week.'
Wife: 'Really? Is he a batsman or a bowler?'
George: 'Neither. He's the umpire.'

9) Prison cricket match

It was the convicts' cricket match. The fast bowler whizzed down a screamer which just missed, but a bail gently toppled off.

'Not out,' protested the batsman, 'it was the wind.'

'Wind or not,' said the umpire, 'you're out on bail!'


10) How was I out?

The ball had hit the batsman on the arm and yet he was still given out. As he passed the umpire, he asked, 'How was I out?'

'Why don't you look in the paper tomorrow?' replied the umpire, smugly.

'Why don't you look?' said the batsman. 'I'm the editor!'

11) No umpire ?
The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side.
"What do I do?" he asked
."It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT".
When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"


12) When were we married ?

George was always thinking of cricket. Eventually, his exasperated wife said, "You think nothing but cricket. I bet you don't even remember the day we were married."

"Of course I do," said George. "It was the day Sir Colin Cowdrey got a 100 not out against Surrey."

13) A good catch ?

A friend asked George, "Tell me, is your daughter's fiancée a good catch?"

"Good catch?" answered George. "Dammit, he's the best fielder we've got in the side!"

14) You were bold

In a calmer moment, George and his wife were sitting at home. George was as usual reading some bowling averages.

"Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?" said she romantically.

"You were bold."

"No I wasn't," muttered George,"I was LBW!"

15) That's my mother in law

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said 'I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there.'

'Don't be silly,' said the wicket-keeper. 'You'll never hit her at a hundred yards.

16) Over

The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother.

'They just shouted 'Over', she said.

'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'


17) Staying out late

George was in the habit of staying our late after the cricket match.

A friend asked 'What does your wife say when you get in at all hours?'

'Nothing. She just gives me a late cut across the mouth with a cricket bat.'

18) Grounds for divorce

The cricket enthusiast would travel any distance to watch a match-nothing could keep him from the game he loved. One day, a friend met him and said, 'You're looking a bit down.'

'The wife said she's s going to divorce me.'

'What grounds?'

'Oh, Headingly, Edgbaston, Lord s . . .

19) Inzmam's wife was expecting and admitted to hospital while he was busy playing a match.now we all know inzmam's command over
english.to overcome this embarrasment he got tips from ravi shastri
on how to speak on presentation ceremony after the match.ravi
shastri told him that there are standard sentences to be spoken.by
changing a few words according to the situation same sentences can be used.inzmam memorised these sentences and practised speaking them in impeccable english.not known to him,meanwhile his wife deliveres a baby.here he wins a match.at presentation, for a change he is asked ,"congratulations,inzmam.your wife has just delivered a baby.how do you feel." inzmam,"bismillah-e-rehman-o-rahim.it is a result of team work.all boys worked very hard to achieve this result.i only guided them.i give full credit to boys & insha allah they will give similar results in future"

20) Mr. James was a die hard cricket buff.he was member of local cricket club.he ate cricket,drank cricket,breathed cricket & slept
cricket. He watched all the matches played in town. Sometimes he was too busy in his office. On such occasions he would phone the club to find the latest score & kept himself updated. Mr James was a young man married recently & was expecting to become father soon. One day while there was a cricket match in the town he had an important work in office as his wife was taken to hospital for delivery. He became very anxious.after two hours he rang the hospital and asked "what is the score".he got the reply "two are already out.last one was a duck".He got the shock of his life.then he realised that he had rang
up the cricket club instead of hospital.

21) What an American thinks of Cricket:

“Cricket confuses me - its the only sport in the world in which you get points for hitting the ball into the crowd and yet its the cricket players with the good damn protective gear!”

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