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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Trump vs Clinton Jokes


"If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don't have Twitter or television." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately." –Conan O'Brien

"Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton's shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'You never really get used to it.'" –Conan O'Brien
"In his campaign against Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump says he's going to start quoting some of Bernie Sanders' speeches. Which means Trump's opening line will now be, 'My nurse is stealing from me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump said, 'If I lose, I don't think you'll ever see me again.' So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind." –Conan O'Brien
"According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves 'Women.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn't have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it." –Seth Meyers
 "Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his 'country club' lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend." –Conan O'Brien
"Last night, CNN hosted a town hall with Republican front-runner Donald Trump, and at one point he complained that the rules of the election are stacked against him 'by the establishment.' You gotta give it to Trump. He's the only man who could inherit millions of dollars, have his name on buildings, and still go, 'Life is totally unfair!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Hillary Clinton campaign believes that Donald Trump is going to go after her occasional 'health problems.' Today, Hillary reminded Trump that being a woman over 40 is not a 'health problem.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz." –Seth Meyers

"After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments." –Conan O'Brien

"If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties' nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. 'King me!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, 'My first campaign!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they're against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, 'Guilty!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn't yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can't vote by texting and said, 'Never mind!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Trump's family was also at the town hall, and Trump's daughter Ivanka was asked if the election is straining her friendship with Chelsea Clinton. Which means we have officially begun the presidential campaign of 2032, everybody!" –Jimmy Fallon

Source : about.com
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