Little Johnny - Definitely

The teacher asks the class if anyone could use "definitely" correctly in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "The grass is definitely green."

The teacher replies "Well grass can be green, but can also be brown. Anyone else?"

Little Stephanie raises her hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies "Well the sky can be blue, but can also be gray. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand again and asks "Are farts lumpy?"

The teacher replies "No Little Johnny, and that doesn't have the word "definitely" in it."

Little Johnny says, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

I want another room - a drunk joke

A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception

He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager "I want another room" said the drunk "But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel." 

"I don't care. I want another room" 

"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?" 

"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"

This simple trick prevents the traffic police from ever giving you a speeding ticket again - Best Tip ever

Every year hundreds get caught in police speed controls for driving too fast — with a great many caught by automatic speed cameras.

But did you know there’s a way to avoid the hefty fines that come along with speeding?

Online site, finddetbilligt.dk, has come up with a trick that means you never have to worry about getting caught speeding again!

It is absolutely brilliant. Best of all, the method works internationally, in every country in the world.

Here’s how to cleverly avoid speeding fines

1. Look closely at the signs on the road that show you the speed limit. The number indicated is the maximum speed you can travel. Whether you’re on foot, bike or car.

2. Try to locate your car’s speedometer. You normally find it somewhere in front of the driver’s seat, on the dashboard. It has an arrow pointing to the number that reflects the car’s speed. On newer cars, the speed is sometimes displayed digitally, with numbers.

3. This last point is also the hardest. Adjust your speed according to the number shown on the road sign. The police can not fine you if you do not drive over this number.

Strangely, there seem to be surprisingly too few who are aware of this simple yet genius trick. And best of all, if you stick to it, you’ll never have to pay a speeding fine ever again. Even better — the road will become much safer for everyone!